


Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 2

by BentleyGirl



Series: RvB Novelizations [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Complete, Gen, Humor, Novelization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 26,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4969261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BentleyGirl/pseuds/BentleyGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 2 of my novelizations of Red vs. Blue. Three months after Tex's death, a hapless medic arrives in Blood Gulch, unknowingly setting off a chain of events that would change the lives of the Reds and Blues forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything Old is New Again

**Author's Note:**

> This series doesn't belong to me, it's owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Also, Spanish translations will be available at the end of each chapter that Lopez has a speaking role.

Another pleasant morning had broken over the little canyon known as Blood Gulch. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and all was quiet among the two teams of soldiers that lived here. All was calm and peaceful in the canyon. However, it was about to be short-lived...

Out in the middle of the canyon, a lone figure wearing bright purple armor stood and surveyed the scenery. Once he'd seen everything, which took only ten seconds, he switched on his helmet radio to contact his superiors. "Come in, Blue Command, come in. This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?"

His only response was a hiss of static, but he could just hear the distorted tones of someone's voice speaking. "Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two."

"Say again, Blue Command," DuFresne said. "I do not read."

"Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello."

DuFresne tapped the side of his helmet, hoping to clear out the static. "Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo Bravo-"

"Yo, I hear you, calm down, dude, what's going on?" came the voice in a much clearer signal. "Hello, yo can you hear me, hello?"

"Uh, roger that, Command," DuFresne replied uncertainly.

"Sorry 'bout that," said the operator whose name was Vic. "I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't so well in there. What's going on, dude?"

"Roger tha-" DuFresne paused as he heard the operator's voice. Somehow this guy didn't seem like the type of person to be working for a top military operation. "Uh, is this Blue Command?"

"Oh yeah, man, sure, totally!" Vic replied cheerily. "What's goin' on?"

"You're sure? The Blue Command base?"

"Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you."

"No, I know. It's just..."

"It's just what, dude?"

DuFresne sighed and shook the conversation away. It wasn't important anyway. "Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members."

"Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says..." DuFresne heard typing sounds over his radio and guessed that Vic was looking up the info on his computer. "Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, blu- Here we go, Blood Gulch. Okay, says here you wanna make contact with Private Tucker, ask him about their wounded, dude."

"Roger that," DuFresne replied. "Any other orders?"

"Anything else? Yeah, okay... Yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't-" Vic broke off suddenly. "Oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... You'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all."

Somehow, DuFresne didn't feel very assured by Vic's words. "Great."

"Alright, then," Vic said. "Well, it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say 'Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on.' Over and out." And the line went dead.

"Okay..." DuFresne looked around the canyon again until he was facing the Blue Base. "Private Tucker," he muttered to himself as he set off across the canyon.

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Private Church, the leader of Blue Team, was keeping an eye out for any sign of attacking Reds, and fighting his own battle. Three months had passed since he had taken over the body of Lopez, the Reds' robotic soldier. And while Church was at least happy to have a body again, sometimes he could feel Lopez's A.I. fighting for control. Holding him back had taken every ounce of strength a ghost could muster, but at times, his team kept bothering him and almost ruining his concentration.

At that moment, his teammate, Private Tucker, came running up to him, closely followed by Private Caboose. "Hey, Church, we have a problem."

Church sighed and turned to his team. "I am _not_ your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like."

"I'm telling you, he's crazy," Tucker insisted, pointing at Caboose. "He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice."

"No, I didn't," Caboose replied innocently.

"Oh, so you're saying you _didn't_ threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?" Tucker scowled.

Caboose narrowed his eyes. "You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context."

"What?" Tucker cried. "What context?"

Church shook his head. "Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-"

"Excuse me," came a new voice behind him.

Church glanced over his shoulder, briefly noticing the new arrival. "Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here." He turned back to his team. "Ah, look, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is _not_ gonna do ya any good."

"Excuse me," the voice called again.

Church now turned around and faced the purple armored soldier properly. "Okay. Yes, hello. Who are you?"

Behind him, Caboose turned to Tucker with a nasty sneer. " **Don't ever be alone,** " he growled in a deep scary voice.

"He's doing that thing again," Tucker muttered nervously.

"My name's DuFresne," the medic introduced himself. "Uh, are you Private Tucker?"

"No, I am not Private Tucker," said the cobalt armored leader. "My name is Church." He nodded towards his aqua armored teammate. " _This_ is Private Tucker."

"Yo!" Tucker replied, giving DuFresne a two fingered salute.

"And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself."

"Why did you introduce me second?" Caboose asked hurt.

"Because he hates you," Tucker teased.

"I received your call for a medic," DuFresne went on.

"Medic?" Caboose asked. "That was like three months ago."

"Yeah," Tucker agreed. "What'd you do, crawl all the way here?"

"I came as quickly as I could," DuFresne said apologetically. "Where's the patient?"

"Well..." Church pointed over the medic's shoulder. "She's about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down."

DuFresne turned around to see two white wooden crosses planted into the ground next to two covered holes. Around the cross that Church was pointing at hung a silver chain with a diamond ring at the end. "Oh," he muttered, turning back to the Blues. "I'm sorry about your loss."

"What? Oh, yeah," Church sighed. "Yeah, thanks, man. It was tough, but, well, what're you gonna do?"

"We didn't like her very much," Caboose said, adding in a loud whisper, "She was mean to other people."

DuFresne glanced back at the crosses. "Who's in the other grave?"

"That's, uh, that's me," Church replied sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm in that grave."

DuFresne looked Church up and down, sensing that he wasn't telling him something. "... Uh huh... Of course..."

Caboose decided to explain. "See, uh, he got killed by this, uh, crazy runaway tank."

"Or by the idiot driving it," Tucker corrected.

"Oh yeah," Caboose conceded. "And then he became, uh, this really mean ghost and, uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Uh... Oh! And then we had to, uh, oh yeah that's right, spray-paint him, uh, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man... who is blue."

"Right," Tucker agreed. "And it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off."

"No esta completamente apagado, pendejo*," Church retorted.

"I'll go get the Spanish dictionary," Tucker sighed.

"Wait, so no one here is hurt?" DuFresne asked.

"No, we're fine," Church replied. "In fact, I feel better than ever. See, now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

"You said they were shorting out," Caboose said accusingly.

Church just gave a loud click then turned to the rookie Blue. "I'm sorry, what was that, Caboose? I can't hear you!"

DuFresne shrugged and took out a scanner from his belt. "Well then, let me just check you two out and I'll be on my way."

"Whoa, check us out?" Tucker asked, backing up a step. "Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?"

"No, I'm just gonna check your vitals." DuFresne flicked a switch on the scanner, making the two ends glow bright green.

"I bet I have better vitals than you," Caboose said to Tucker then he turned to Church. "What's a vital?"

"On your way?" Church cried, having caught DuFresne's earlier statement when he turned his ears on again. "I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No," DuFresne replied. "I'm just here to help out with Tex and then assist in the canyon as needed."

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished," Church stated sarcastically. "Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds."

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't," DuFresne said. "I joined the army as a conscientious objector."

"A conse-who?" Tucker asked puzzled.

DuFresne sighed in irritation. This wasn't the first time people had asked him about his job description. "I'm a pacifist."

"You're a thing that babies suck on?" Caboose asked in disgust.

"No, dude," Tucker replied. "That's a pedophile."

Now it was Church's turn to look disgusted. "Tucker, I think he means a pacifier."

"Oh yeah, right," Tucker realized, bowing his head. "Man, I was totally thinking about something else."

"That's real classy, Tucker," Church snapped, smacking him on the back of his helmet.

While the Blues were talking, DuFresne did a scan of Tucker and Caboose and examined the results. "Well, everyone here checks out," he informed the team. "I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?"

"Why?" Tucker asked. "You said you weren't gonna fight 'em."

"I'm not," DuFresne confirmed. "Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."

"Man, that is so freakin' lame," Church grunted.

"I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help," DuFresne said, pointing to the other side of the canyon.

"Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours," Church advised the medic. "They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand."

As if on cue, there was a sudden shot and DuFresne gasped as his scanner was ripped out of his hand.

"Yeah, just like that," Church said, amazed at his foresight.

Then another bullet shot between Church and DuFresne. "Scatter!" Church yelled.

The Blues and DuFresne ran towards the nearest rock, except for Caboose who ran the opposite direction.

In the middle of the canyon, Sarge turned to Private Donut as he fired another round with the sniper. "Nice shot, cupcake."

"Thanks, Sarge!" the pink private replied.

Then Private Simmons opened fire with his assault rifle, narrowly missing Caboose as he hid behind a smaller rock. "Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!"

"Yeah, sneak attack!" Private Grif cheered, jumping in front of Simmons.

"Sit down, you dumbass," Simmons snapped, pushing Grif aside. "I can't see."

Sarge cocked his shotgun and turned to his team with a smile. "Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> *Not entirely turned off, moron.


	2. Motion to Adjourn

As the Reds opened fire on the Blues' hiding places, Church immediately took control. "Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice."

Tucker just stared at him. "I didn't even know what half of that meant."

"Just go over to Caboose's rock and fire your gun a bunch," Church stated in clearer terms.

" _That_ rock?" Tucker looked over to where Caboose was hiding and the wall of bullets being fired between him and the others. "Yeah, I don't think so."

"We do not have time to discuss this," Church growled.

"Sure, no time for _you_ to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there running around, eating a machine gun sandwich."

"Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire," Church assured him.

"Covering fire?" Tucker scoffed. "Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now."

"No problem," Church sighed reluctantly. "Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be _in_ your body?"

Meanwhile in the middle of the canyon, the Reds continued their relentless assault on the Blues.

"Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds," Grif stuttered as he fired his rifle.

"Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass," Simmons replied.

Back at Blue Base, Church turned to DuFresne. "Alright, you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!"

"My name isn't Doc," the medic retorted. "It's DuFresne."

"Yeah, I can't pronounce that," Church stated impatiently. "So from now on, your name is Doc."

"I'm not really comfortable with that," DuFresne muttered. "I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic."

"What's the difference?" Tucker asked.

"Well, a doctor cures people," DuFresne explained. "A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die."

Tucker pulled a nervous face. "Mental note: don't _ever_ get shot."

"It's settled," Church decided. "Your name is now Doc."

"Alright," the medic sighed. "But I don't think it'll stick."

Tucker swapped a knowing look with Church. "Oh trust us, it'll stick."

"Now get over to Caboose and help him hold that position," Church ordered.

"I don't have a gun," the newly-named Doc reminded him. "I'm a _pacifist_."

"Well then just get over there and yell 'bang bang bang'."

"Eh, I don't know," Doc remarked. "Even that sounds pretty aggressive."

"Oh, come on," Tucker groaned.

"Besides," Doc added, "I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."

"Huh. I see." With a sneaky smile, Church drew out his pistol, turned slowly towards Caboose and fired a single shot which amazingly hit its target.

"OW! My foot!" Caboose yelped, falling to the ground.

"Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself," Church stated innocently, putting his gun away. "Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc."

"You know, you could have just asked nicely," Doc muttered, running over to Caboose.

As he came out, Simmons spotted him and took aim with his rifle. Getting Doc's head in line, he squeezed the trigger. However instead of shooting, his gun gave a loud CLICK!

"Ah crap, I'm out." Simmons held his hand out to his teammate. "Give me some ammunition, Grif."

"Me? I don't have any extra," Grif replied. "I'm down to one bullet."

"Wha- How can that be?" Simmons cried. "You're the one who carries all the extra rounds into battle."

"Wait, since when?"

"Since the last staff meeting."

"We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet."

Simmons visor-palmed with a sigh. "Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo."

"What's _your_ job?" Grif asked out of curiosity.

"Me? I'm the Social Chairman," Simmons replied.

Just then, CEO Sarge came running up to them. "Grif, me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips."

Simmons gave a wicked smile. "Hey Grif, remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it."

Meanwhile, Doc made it over to the other rock. "I'm here, Caboose. Where're you hit?"

"Ah, ow, ow, ow!" Caboose whimpered, struggling to stand. "My foot, my foot!"

"The left foot?"

"Ah, left. Let's see..." Caboose raised his head to look at his feet and lifted one hand. "That makes an L with this thumb and-"

"I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one," Doc cut in quickly.

"Yeah, the red one." As Doc helped him sit up, Caboose winced in pain. "Ah, I can't believe Church _shot_ me."

"Oh, don't even _start_ , Caboose!" Church yelled from his rock.

"Anything else?" Doc asked as he knelt down.

"Uh, well, what?" Caboose said.

"You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?"

"Uh..." Caboose thought for a moment. "Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex and I get really really mad for some reason."

Doc looked at him in confusion. "Okay, I'm just gonna start with the foot."

"Okay," Caboose said, allowing Doc to carefully remove his boot.

At that moment, Tucker glanced out from behind the rock, suddenly realizing how quiet it had gotten. "Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?"

"I don't know," Church replied. "Maybe they're outta ammo."

"Hey Blues!" Sarge called out just then. "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

Church swapped a stunned look with Tucker then looked back at Sarge. "Surrender?!"


	3. Red vs. Bleu

"We are giving you a chance to surrender!" Sarge yelled out again while the other Reds hid behind the bushes.

"There is _no way_ this bluff is gonna work," Grif muttered, shaking his head.

"Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie," Sarge snapped. "There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo."

Behind the rock, Church smirked at Tucker. "Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo." He then stepped out of cover. "What are your terms?" he called to the Reds.

"Their what?" Tucker asked puzzled.

"Our what?" Grif asked equally baffled.

"I can't believe this is actually working," Simmons chuckled. "See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge."

"Oh yeah," Grif agreed. "'Cause then he can fix the Warthog."

"Ooh, ooh, Sarge, tell them we want the flag," Donut chipped in.

"Yeah, and some cake," Grif added.

"Ohhhh..." Donut drooled. "Wait, wait, Sarge, just the cake."

"Alright, Blues!" Sarge called to Church. "First off, we want your flag-"

"Wait, wait, wait just a second," Simmons cut in. "The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up."

"-To stay right where it is," Sarge hastily added, fearing a repeat of those events. "Keep the flag. But we do want our mechanized droid guy back."

"Uh oh," Church murmured.

"You may know him as Señor El Roboto," Sarge added.

"Well, Church, what's it gonna be?" Tucker asked with a smile.

"Chingado, no way," Church retorted, grabbing himself protectively. "I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

"And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have," Sarge called.

"Uh..." Church thought quickly. "Uh, he's not here anymore!"

"Yeah, he left!" Tucker agreed, catching on to Church's plan. "He was all like 'Sayonara!' and then he just took off!"

"That's not Spanish, you idiot, that's French." Church then spotted Doc coming over, Caboose's arm over his shoulders as he led the Blue to their side. "Let's try this," Church decided. "Hey Reds! How about a medic? Would you take a medic as a hostage?"

"A hostage?" Doc cried, hearing Church's demands. "But I'm _supposed_ to go over there."

In the bushes, Simmons shrugged. "Meh, that sounds pretty good to me."

"I don't know," Grif remarked, rubbing his chin in thought. "I think we can hold out for more."

"We don't have any bullets, dumbass," Simmons reminded him.

"Oh, right," Grif said sheepishly. "Take the medic. The medic's a good deal."

Meanwhile, Church turned to the medic. "Hey Doc, how's the patient?"

"Doing well," Doc replied as he lay Caboose down by the rock. "He seems very alert and responsive."

"He's talking about Caboose, right?" Tucker said, scratching the top of his helmet.

"No, I mean his toe," Church went on. "How's the toe I shot?"

"What, _that_ thing?" Doc asked. "That fell off like half an hour ago."

Caboose glanced down at his bandaged foot with a sniff. "Rest in peace, pinkie toe..." He then looked with an angered expression. " **You shall be avenged!** "

"Tell you what," Doc sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help."

Church nodded and turned back to the negotiations. "Okay! We're gonna send over our medic. Now what do we get?"

" _You?!_ " Simmons yelled, running out of the bushes to join Sarge. "You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule."

"We've already got that," Tucker called back. "What else do you have?"

"What do you want?" Sarge asked.

Church then swapped a cheeky look with Tucker. "How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?"

Sarge and Simmons turned to discuss the offer in hushed tones for a moment then Sarge turned back. "What if we admit that _one_ of us sucks?"

"Nice," Grif cheered then he realized that the others were looking at him. "Wait, you mean Donut, right?"

_Two hours later..._

"Okay then!" Church called. "We agree to the terms? You first, and then we send over the medic!"

"Get on with it, Grif," Sarge ordered.

Grif let out a frustrated sigh. For the past two hours, the Reds and the Blues had discussed the sort of things Grif should say along with the fact that he sucked. As the requests had gotten more and more humiliating, Grif had at first refused to do anything about it. But then Sarge warned him that if he didn't acquiesce to the Blues' demands, he, Sarge, would tear him limb from limb then take each of his limbs and run them over with the Warthog.

"I would just like to let everyone know... that I suck!" Grif shouted through gritted teeth.

"And?" Church coaxed.

"And that I'm a girl."

"What else?"

"And I like ribbons in my hair!" Grif bowed his head. "And I want to kiss all the boys!"

Sarge sniffed loudly. "This may be the best surrender of all time."

"Okay, is that good enough?" Simmons called.

"Yeah!" Church replied. "Alright, go ahead, Doc."

With that, the medic ran across the valley to join up with the Reds.

"Man, I _really_ hope you're worth this," Grif sighed as the Reds set off back to Base.

"Can I ask you a question?" Doc said. "Do they put something in the water here?"

"Water? We ran outta water six months ago."

"No water? Then what do you drink?"

"Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy... The usual."

"I only drink the blood of my enemies!" Sarge proclaimed. "And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo."


	4. The Joy of Toggling

On the way back to Red Base, Doc did a quick scan of the Red Team. Simmons and Donut each showed perfect results, physically and mentally; Grif had a variety of health problems that not even the most advanced medical care can fix, short of maybe a few organ transplants; as for Sarge, he showed a bullet wound in his head that looked fatal. So the next day, he asked Grif, who was guarding him while the other Reds fixed the Warthog.

"So he was shot in the head," Doc said slowly.

"Right," Grif agreed.

"And you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head."

"Exactly."

Doc thought Grif's story over then he nodded. "Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment."

"That's what I said," Grif agreed.

"Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care," Doc went on. "Like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine."

"Yeah, I don't know about all that," Grif admitted. "I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong."

"Grif!" Sarge called just then. "Yer supposed to be watching the prisoner, not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!"

"Come on, Sarge," Grif sighed. "He doesn't even have a gun."

"Oh, well you two will be great friends then," Simmons stated sneeringly. " _He_ doesn't have a gun, and _you_ didn't bring any ammo!"

"Hey thanks, kiss-ass," Grif retorted. "If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy who lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you."

"Oh man, that is a burn!" Donut crowed. "Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned!"

"Oh shut up, your armor's pink," Simmons snapped.

"Uh, hey, guys?" Doc called out. " I-I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends.. uh, we're just talking. That's it."

As the others went back to work on the Warthog, Doc turned back to Grif. "Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand."

Grif didn't say a word.

"It's only because no one likes you," Doc added.

Again, Grif didn't speak.

"Stop staring at me."

Meanwhile, at the Blue Base, Church and Tucker marched around the building's perimeter on patrol. After yesterday's surprise attack from the Reds, they weren't taking any more chances.

"Hey Church," Tucker spoke up. "If your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?"

"Huh..." Church looked back into the canyon, seeing their damaged tank still lying where it was destroyed. "Well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. Alright, stand back."

Tucker moved back a step and Church started to strain his mechanical muscles, grunting like a weightlifter as he searched for the program in Lopez's body.

"Anything?" Tucker asked after a while.

"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be," Church panted.

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere..." Tucker guessed.

"See what you can find," Church said. "I'll keep trying from in here."

As Church started grunting again, Tucker began to look around his leader's body, starting from his chest and then moving around to his back.

"Oh hey!" Church cried.

"Found it?" Tucker asked, looking over Church's shoulder.

"Nah, no wait," Church sighed in frustration. "All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

" _What?_ It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing."

" _Celsius_ , Tucker."

"Come on, dude, Celsius sucks."

 Finding nothing on Church's top half, Tucker knelt down and started to check on his legs. "Hey, I found something."

"Oh yeah?" Church asked. "You found a button?"

"Naw, dude," Tucker replied slowly, moving in front of Church to get a closer look. "It's more like a... switch."

"Well, give it a flip."

Tucker stood up rather quickly. "I don't wanna flip it."

"What's the problem?" Church asked puzzled.

"It's in a weird place," Tucker replied, pointing down at Church's legs.

Church followed Tucker's finger down to his crotch. "Oh you've _got_ to be kidding me."

"You flip it," Tucker said.

"These arms aren't that flexible." Church demonstrated by lowering his hands down and moving them over his crotch. "I can't even reach down there."

"What about Caboose?"

"Oh man, he's so stupid," Church sighed. "I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch."

"Aw man," Tucker groaned.

"Tucker, come on," Church practically begged. "We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner."

With a sigh, Tucker knelt down, tentatively pinched the switch and tried to pull it. "It won't move, it's stuck."

"Did you try wiggling it?" Church asked.

Tucker pulled his hand back. "No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle."

"Oh, stop being a baby," Church snapped. "Just wiggle it."

Grimacing slightly, Tucker reached his hand out again and tried to flip it with three fingers and then four.

"So, you from around here, baby?" Church asked mockingly.

"Okay, look," Tucker shouted, standing up again to glare at Church. "If you want me to do this, you can't talk like that."

"Alright, alright, alright, I'm sorry," Church cried, raising his hands. "I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding."

Tucker sighed as he knelt down again. "I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it."

"You obviously did not know Tex that well," Church muttered.

Taking a deep breath, Tucker grabbed the switch and pulled the switch as hard as he could, until it finally clicked into place. "There!" he cried, getting up. "Anything?"

"Nope. Nothin'," Church replied, frowning as he heard a strange beeping noise inside his head. "That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?"

Back at Red Base, the Reds managed to get the Warthog running again.

"Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?" Sarge asked, not noticing the beeping building up inside the Warthog's engine.

"Well, we have to get him away from Grif," Simmons replied, looking back at where his teammate was sulkily watching Doc. "Because... yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him."

"How 'bout we, um, let him trade armor with uh, one of us?" Donut suggested. "That would show him."

While the Reds were talking, the Warthog's headlights started to flash in time with the beeping. Then its lights switched on and a strange mechanical voice spoke out from within the jeep. " _Warthog online. Homing beacon activated._ "

Donut whirled around in shock. "Sarge, d-d-did the car just talk?"

Simmons stared in shock and Sarge just gulped. "Uh oh."


	5. Sweet Ride

As the Warthog revved its engine menacingly, Sarge quickly explained to the team why he had voiced concern.

"Okay, I get it," Simmons said. "You built a remote control for the jeep into Lopez."

"Yep," Sarge replied. "But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless..." He turned suspiciously to Donut. "Hey, Pretty-in-Pin, were you messin' with my robot?"

"What're you asking me for?" Donut asked.

"So someone else controls the jeep right now?" Grif gulped, staring nervously at the Warthog. "And the big gun attached to it?"

"Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies," Sarge snapped. "Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that."

 Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Church stood on the edge of the roof, still listening to the beeping in his head. "There, you hear that?"

Tucker cocked his head to one side then the other. "Is it like a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?"

"No, it's just like this constant 'beep-beep-beep' noise," Church replied.

"Oh," Tucker said. "Then no, I don't hear anything."

Church turned to his teammate in concern. "Wait, do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?"

"No," Tucker admitted. "I was just tryin' to be helpful."

"Yeah, well, you're failing," Church retorted.

Caboose was also looking around. "All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us." He turned to see Church and Tucker staring at him in confusion. "Wait, you guys don't hear that?"

"Oh man, I can't take this anymore," Church growled, putting his hands over the sides of his helmet. "Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man. This beeping is going to drive me crazy!"

Church didn't know it, but he had just inadvertently spoken one of Sarge's code words for the Warthog. At that moment at the Red Base, the jeep gave a series of beeps as it received the order. " _Drive._ "

"Jumpin' Jehosephat, they've cracked the code!" Sarge gasped as the Warthog drove towards them. "Those dern windtalkers!"

The Reds quickly jumped aside, narrowly avoiding the Warthog. Unfortunately, Doc didn't see the car coming straight at him until it was too late. WHUMP! The car smashed into the medic, sending him flying up with a yelp before he landed headfirst into the driver's seat.

"Hey, he's stealing the jeep!" Donut shouted.

As the Warthog set off into the valley, Doc struggled to pull himself upright, his legs kicking the air as he started to panic. "Help! This jeep is kidnapping me!"

"Now he's taunting us," Donut muttered. "This is just embarrassing."

"Hey, Sarge, new rule," Simmons suggested as he watched the jeep driving up the hill. "How 'bout we just don't take anymore prisoners, since we seem to suck at it."

Back at Blue Base, Tucker had instructed Caboose to flip the switch on Church's crotch, none of them aware of the Warthog approaching from the canyon.

"I see a switch down here," Caboose hissed as if trying not to hurt Church's feelings. "It's not very big."

"Oh yeah, that's it," Tucker cried. "Just flip it."

"Wait, stop," Church said.

In the canyon, the jeep beeped again. " _Stop,_ " it said, hitting the brakes so hard that Doc was jerked forward in his seat, hitting his butt on the wheel.

"Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?" Church asked.

Caboose just looked up at him with a blank expression. "Uhhhhh..."

"Alright," Church sighed. "Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction. Just turn it around so that it's pointed in the opposite direction."

" _Turn around,_ " the Warthog stated, doing a full U-turn.

Caboose grabbed the switch and unclear of the instructions, tried to twist it around until with a spark and a snap, it came off in his hands. "Oops, it broke itself."

Church just gave an angry sigh.

Meanwhile, Doc managed to get himself upright in the driver's seat, only to find that the Warthog was facing the Red Base again. "Oh man, what now?"

At the same time, the Reds just stared in shock as the jeep revved its engine.

"That does not look good," Grif gulped as Donut started to back away slowly. "Nice kitty, nice kitty..."

At Blue Base, Tucker knelt next to Caboose to examine the hole left in Church's crotch by the broken switch. "Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red."

"What about the blue one?" Caboose asked.

"That's your thumb, idiot," Tucker replied.

"Come on, guys," Church yelled impatiently. "Just grab whichever one goes to the switch and yank it out."

"Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there," Tucker muttered.

"Well, just yank 'em both out," Church snapped.

Caboose got to his feet. "Church... if we pick the wrong one... you could explode," he hissed.

"I don't care," Church retorted. "Look, just take out the red one."

Back in the canyon, the Warthog beeped again, receiving its next instructions. " _Acquire target: Red._ "

The Red privates swapped nervous glances before turning to their leader.

"Uh, Sarge," Grif stammered while Simmons and Donut ran for it. "Y-You may wanna start running... now."

As Grif ran after his teammates, Sarge looked up and saw the Warthog starting to drive straight at him, with little time to escape. "Ahhhhhhh, fudge-pumps."

Back at Blue Base, Tucker took hold of the wires in each hand, trying to decide the right one. "Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes..." He pulled a face. "Eugh, someplace else."

"Fine, just pull it," Church demanded. "Take out the red one."

At that very moment, the Warthog had struck Sarge right in the chest, slamming him into the wall of the Base. "OHHHHHH, I'm pinned!" he yelped.

Then the car beeped again as its next orders came. " _Eliminate red target._ "

Doc gasped in horror as the turret behind his head switched on, turned one way and opened fire, the bullets drawing slowly closer to Sarge's head.

"You're gonna kill him!" Grif yelled.

Sarge struggled to escape, but could only manage to get one hand free. "What a way to go," he sighed. "Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this."

"Something about the dangers of technology, and the unwavering pride of mankind?" Simmons asked.

"No," Sarge replied. "Something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!"


	6. Last Words

Desperately, Simmons turned to his teammates as the gunfire drew closer to Sarge's head. "Okay, we gotta do something here, guys."

"You're right," Donut replied. "I got dibs on Sarge's armor."

At the Blue Base, Church put his hands over the sides of his helmet, trying to block out the beeping noise.

"Okay, Church, you ready?" Tucker called, sticking his hand into the hole. "I'm gonna yank the wire."

Back at Red Base, Sarge grabbed the turret with his free hand, keeping the bullets away from his head for a few seconds longer, but he knew it wouldn't be enough. "Grif, if you see Lopez... tell him I forgive him. Tell him... he was like a son to me."

"I thought Simmons was like a son to you," Grif said.

"No offense, Simmons," Sarge grunted, straining against the turret's workings. "Lopez and I just... understood each other better."

"Understood?" Simmons cried. "He refused to speak English."

"Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got," Grif agreed.

"And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep," Simmons concluded.

Sarge gave a little chuckle. "Ahhhh, what a little rascal."

At that moment, at the Blue Base, Tucker grabbed onto the red wire. "Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three!" With that, he pulled on the wire with all his might until it finally snapped off with an electric spark.

In Church's head, the beeping abruptly cut off and he lowered his hands with a sigh of relief. "Oh God, yes, finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet. I thought that was gonna drive me nuts!" He tried to step away from the roof, but found that he was suddenly unable to. "Hey, why can't I move my legs?"

Meanwhile at Red Base, Sarge closed his eyes, ready to accept his death. Just then, he heard a loud beep and the gunfire simply stopped. Carefully, he opened one eye in time to see the turret slacken in his grip. " _Signal lost..._ " the Warthog droned, the computerized voice fading as its control cut out.

"Wow, that was a close one," Grif gasped, letting out the breath that he'd been holding. "Are you okay, Sarge?"

"Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine," Sarge replied dismissively, pushing the turret out of his face. "Although I do have to admit, maybe a little disappointed."

"It's okay, sir," Simmons comforted. "I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality."

"It's not that," Sarge retorted. "I just felt like I could have taken him."

"Taken who, the machine gun?" Grif asked puzzled.

"Oh, he was a worthy opponent to be sure," Sarge smirked, waving his finger at the gun. "But right at the end there, he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will."

"What?" Grif cried. "You can't fight a machine gun."

"Yeah, Sarge," Donut agreed. "I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face."

"And yet, he surrendered," Sarge pointed out.

Doc, who had been shocked into silence throughout the whole ordeal, chose this moment to speak up. "Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a _very_ traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress."

"Oh yeah?" Grif asked. "How do you deal with it?"

"Oh, I have my own system that works pretty well for me." Doc then sniffed the air and glanced down at the seat. "By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning."

Back at Blue Base, Church did everything he could to try to move his legs, but to no avail. "This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged."

"Why don't you try walking it off?" Caboose suggested.

"I can't use my legs, moron."

"Oh, I see... Have you tried running?"

"This doesn't seem like that big a deal," Tucker chipped in. "You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggyback rides."

"Hey, I already told you, that was for science," Church retorted.

_Tell that to my aching back,_ Tucker thought to himself ruefully, rubbing the crick in his spine.

"Why don't you just try... _walking on your hands?_ " Caboose decided eagerly. "Then you could use your feet for high fives, and eatin' sandwiches, and you know, the important stuff."

Over at Red Base, Simmons turned to the medic still in the jeep. "Hey Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog."

"Oh, right. Sorry." Doc put his foot down and the jeep moved, but not in reverse. WHAM!

"OHHH, hot buttered lug nuts!" Sarge gasped.

Doc winced at his mistake. "Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I was just in the wrong gear, let me just..." He flicked the stick around and tried again, with the same results. BAM!"

"Yeow, geez! There goes mah last kidney!" Sarge yelped. "I was saving that one for a special occasion."

With a grimace, Doc turned to the others. "Third time's the charm?"

"I don't think so, Poindexter," Simmons snapped, pointing his gun at Doc. "Outta the jeep now!"

"I'm really sorry, guys," Doc insisted. "I was only trying to help. Really!"

"Oh, is that all?" Grif replied with heavy sarcasm. "I for one was _totally_ confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue."

Doc stared at the Reds then turned to Sarge then looked back again. "Really?"

"GET OUT!" Grif and Simmons ordered.

Back at Blue Base, Tucker removed Church's codpiece and was now rummaging through the electronics within, but he still wasn't sure how to fix his leader's legs.

"Well, just start reattaching wires," Church told him. "I'll tell you when I feel something."

Tucker grabbed a loose wire and jammed it into an empty socket. "What about that? Do you feel that, Church?"

"No, what're you doing?" Church asked, looking down at him. "I don't feel anything."

"Oh, Church?" Caboose piped up. "You know, I was thinkin'... Uh, y-ya know when you- when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?"

"Hey, Caboose? Yeah, shut up," Church cut in.

Then Caboose suddenly spotted three figures coming over the hill towards them. "Uhhhh, Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-"

"Dammit, Caboose!" Church snapped, his patience gone. "In the short time I've known you, you managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyzed me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, _just for once, if you'd SHUT YER FREAKIN' MOUTH!_ "

At that moment, Simmons called up to them. "Hey Blues, we're here to- What the hell are you guys doing?"


	7. Nobody Likes You

"What the hell are you guys doing?!" Simmons yelled, seeing Tucker kneeling in front of Church's crotch.

Hearing the shout, Tucker looked round and quickly jumped to his feet. "Aw crap, the Reds are here."

"What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything?" Church tried to turn around, but the best he could do was glance over his shoulder. "Hey, one of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs."

"What were you doing down there?" Grif asked.

"Nothing," Tucker blurted out, hastily moving away from Church. "What're you talking about?"

"We were just playing a game!" Caboose called out.

"Hey, Caboose, we'll handle this," Church said.

"What in the hell is going on at this base?" Grif asked in confusion.

"I told you these guys're weird," Doc muttered behind his hand.

"Whaddaya want, Reds?" Church shouted over his shoulder. "Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya!"

"Oh yeah?" Grif retorted. "You care to make that threat to my face?"

Again, Church tried to turn around but again his efforts were in vain. "Ugh... no."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," Grif snorted. "Punk."

Tucker raised his pistol, ready to shoot Grif where he stood, but Simmons quickly jumped in before things got ugly. "Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner."

"Give him back?" Tucker cried. "You can't give him back, you took him. A deal's a deal."

"Yeah, well forget it," Grif replied. "We don't want him."

"Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner," Church retorted. "That was our last one."

"Hey, dude, what is your problem?" Grif snapped.

"Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?" Simmons agreed.

"He's shy!" Caboose called.

"Shut up!" Church yelled before turning back to the Reds. " Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of somethin'... kinda private over here."

"That's sad," Grif sighed, shaking his head. "He is shy."

"Fine," Simmons stated, leading Doc and Grif back over the hill. "But don't come asking for him back later."

"We won't," Tucker yelled.

At the top of the hill, Grif stopped and turned around. "Last chance."

"Beat it, Reds!" Church shouted.

"Alright, we're goin', we're goin'." Grif went down the hill to join the others. "Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are _really_ rude."

Nodding in agreement, Doc turned and started to head back the way they'd come.

"Whoa whoa, hey, whoa," Simmons called, grabbing Doc by the shoulder. "Where do you think you're goin'?"

"Back to Base with you guys," Doc replied. "They don't want me over there."

"Yeah, I don't think so," Grif scoffed.

"What?" Doc cried, pulling out of Simmons' grasp. "You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere? By myself?"

"Yeah, that's kinda the general idea," Simmons replied, setting off into the canyon.

"Not you too, right, Grif?" Doc pleaded. "Old buddy? Huh?"

Grif just folded his arms and shook his head. "Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand."

Doc just stared in silence, hurt by the fact that his own words had been used against him. Grif gave an understanding nod then he set off after Simmons.

Back at Blue Base, Church glanced over first one shoulder then the other, trying to see any sign of movement. "What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening!"

"I don't know, I can't really see too clearly," Tucker replied, his hand shading his visor as he looked around the canyon. "I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle..."

Church looked forward then he tapped his teammate's shoulder. "Uh, Tucker, you might wanna look behind you."

Tucker turned around and saw that Caboose had the sniper rifle and was already looking through the scope. "Mother fucker!"

"Uh, ooo, Church, Church! Okay, I s-I see something..." Caboose watched as Grif and Simmons set off towards their Base, leaving Doc on his own. "Okay, uh, the two red ones are walking away... uhhhh... but the purple one is..." At that point, his voice became more sinister. " **I think he's going to attack.** "

"Purple?" Church then gasped. "Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic."

"He's not gonna attack," Tucker reassured the rookie Blue. "He's a pussy-fest."

"Pacifist," Church corrected.

"Ah, whatever," Tucker shrugged. "Let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter."

"Wait a second, wait a second," Church cut in, glancing at Doc. "Think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick."

Caboose's eyes narrowed as he watched Doc through the scope. "I'll bet they've used some kind of _brain washing technique_ on him! They're, they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans... and also the schemes..."

"Caboose, that is ridiculous," Tucker remarked.

"Is it?" Caboose growled, fixing the scope's view on Tucker. "Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?"

"No, just the regular kinda ridiculous," Tucker replied.

"Well, just keep your eye on him," Church decided. "We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our Base."

"Hey guys," Doc called out just then. "Uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?"

"I knew it!" Caboose yelped. "We're all gonna die!" His voice then hardened as he aimed the sniper at Tucker again. " **Starting with you.** "

With a puzzled frown, Tucker quickly moved out of the sniper's view. "Sorry, but we're kinda busy here," he called to the medic. "So go away... or something."

"Normally I wouldn't impose," Doc replied apologetically. "It's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-"

"Listen, Doc," Church cut in sharply. "You're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine."

"Hey, uh, I could help!" Doc offered. "I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people."

"Just... get outta here!" Church yelled. "And tell your buddies the Reds that their little 'plan' failed."

Doc turned back to the Red Base then looked at the Blue Base and then sighed. "Well, this is just great," he muttered, walking morosely towards the cliffs. "I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this."


	8. Nine Tenths of the Law

At the Red Base, Donut had managed to free Sarge from the Warthog and now the two Reds were on the roof of the building, waiting for Grif and Simmons to return.

"So, just you and me hanging out at the Base today, huh, Sarge? This is new," Donut stated conversationally. "I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me."

Sarge didn't reply, his eyes fixed firmly on the canyon.

Donut turned and whistled a little tune for a bit before turning back. "So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on elbow grease."

Sarge just glanced at him for a brief moment.

"When you die, can I have your armor?" Donut asked casually.

"Hey, we're back!" Simmons called out just then.

Donut and Sarge turned round as Simmons came up the ramp followed by a heavily panting Grif.

"Oh man, am I glad to see you guys!" Donut sighed in relief. "Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously."

Sarge shot him a puzzled look then turned to the others. "Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?"

"Uh, not exactly, sir," Simmons admitted with a sigh. "You see, when we showed up, the Blues were doing something really weird, and then they-"

" _Really_ weird," Grif interrupted. "And they were rude."

"Hey, dumbass," Simmons snapped. "I thought we agreed that I was gonna tell the story!"

"Excuse me," Grif replied unapologetically. "Go ahead."

Simmons then turned back to Sarge. "Well, you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird."

"You're not telling it right," Grif cut in again.

"Okay, fine, how do you remember it?"

"Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details."

"Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir," Simmons concluded.

"Why, those cunning Blue devils!" Sarge growled. "Does their treachery know no bounds?"

"It wasn't a total loss, sir." Grif took out a leather wallet from his belt pocket and held it up, showing the words "Property of Leonard Church" sewn on the side. "I was able to steal his wallet."

"Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet," Sarge stated.

"Really, sir?" Grif cried, not realizing his leader's sarcasm.

"Hell no!" Sarge yelled. "Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!"

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Church had finally had enough of being unable to move. "Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working here."

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there," Tucker replied, replacing his leader's codpiece. "I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila too."

"Okay, good idea," Church said. "But the only two people that can do that are Senor El Roboto and Tex."

"Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with," Caboose recalled.

"Yeah, dead people usually are," Tucker agreed.

Church folded his arms and glared at his aqua teammate. "Quite frankly, Tucker, I find your attitude offensive."

"What about that Lopez person?" Caboose went on. "Is he available?"

"No, I'm in his body, remember?" Church replied.

"Well..." Caboose rubbed his chin in thought. "Why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix me and my girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend? What?" Tucker cried.

"You retard!" Church added.

"I-I mean, uh," Caboose stuttered, realizing his mistake. "Tucker and I will make him fix you, and uh, the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh, then we can get you back in his body when he is done."

"I'm confused," Tucker stated, scratching the top of his helmet. "That actually seems like a good idea."

"I know," Church agreed.

"But Caboose said it."

"I know!"

 Without warning, Tucker lashed a fist out and smacked Church right in his face.

"OW!" Church yelled, covering his face. "What the hell was that for?!"

"I don't know," Tucker replied. "I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't."

"Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't _punch_ somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch _you_!"

"Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having," Tucker retorted. "I am not going to ask you to pinch me."

Church gave a painful grunt as he rubbed his face. "If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Tucker dismissed.

"Let's try this," Church decided. "I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?"

"Okay, Church," Tucker and Caboose replied.

"Alright, here goes nothing..." So saying, Church relinquished his control over Lopez.

"Hegerkerker," the robot cried before he slumped forward.

Tucker turned to his teammate with a smile. "You know, I have to hand it to you, Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea."

"Aw, thanks, man," Caboose replied. "It was nothing."

"No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about."

"You know, I just really enjoy the process."

But while the Blues were talking, Lopez switched on and glanced around, utterly confused as to what had happened. After running a complete scan and internal diagnostic, he activated his body's auto-repair sequence to repair his legs then once that was done, he turned and jumped off the Base's roof.

At that moment, Church appeared behind Tucker and Caboose, stretching his ghostly arms. "Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels... kinda loosey-goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do to my body?"

"What do you care about your body? You can't even move your-" Tucker then remembered that Church was now a ghost again and he turned around, just in time to see Lopez disappearing over the hill in the canyon. "Oh hey, look, your legs work!"

" **This one is mine!** " Caboose growled, raising the sniper rifle and firing at Lopez.

"Hey Caboose, whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body!" Church quickly threw his hand into Caboose's arm and pulled it back, spoiling the rookie Blue's aim. "Tucker, you guys got through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there." With that, he faded from view.

Tucker turned to look at the teleporter then back to Caboose. "There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my..." He broke off with a shudder. "Look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter again, okay?"

Caboose glanced into the canyon. "But Church said so-"

"Yeah, but Church didn't think of THIS!" With that, Tucker whipped out a plasma grenade and tossed it into the teleporter. "Come on, let's go," he yelled, leaping off the roof.

Meanwhile in the canyon, Lopez had just reached the halfway mark when Church suddenly materialized in front of him. "Alright, hold it right there, amigo."

Suddenly a soot-covered ball popped out of the hidden teleporter exit, rolling to a stop at Church's feet.

"Mira que cosa mas fina," Lopez gasped before turning and running back the way he'd come.

"Hey!" Church yelled. "I said hold it, not run away, you big... robot baby!" He was then aware of a hissing noise below him and he looked down. "What the hell? That rock looks like a grenade." When the hissing suddenly stopped, he quickly realized the truth. "Ah crap."

KABOOOOOOOOOMMMM! The grenade's explosion was heard all the way from Red Base. Upon hearing it, Grif raised the sniper rifle and began to look for the source.

"What in Sam Hell is going on out there, Grif?" Sarge bellowed as he, Simmons and Donut joined him on the roof.

"Sir, I think we're under attack," Grif reported. "A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack."

"How many do you see?" Sarge asked, suddenly on the alert.

Grif took in the scene through the sniper scope. "There's two coming our way, and another one seems to be... retreating?"

"Oh, we'll give them _all_ a reason to retreat," Sarge grunted, grabbing his shotgun. "Saddle up, Simmons. Let's go rope us some Blue steer!"

"Woohoo!" Simmons cheered, following his leader down the ramp. "Alright, yeah!"

"Yeah, woohoo, let's go!" Sarge replied.

Donut went to stand next to Grif. "So, just you and me hanging out at the Base... that's cool."

"Shut up, rookie," Grif snapped.

"Do you think they'll be gone long?" Donut asked, not hearing Grif. "Me and Sarge had a great time together."

"Oh my God," Grif groaned, visor-palming.

"We talked about all kinds of stuff..."

"I'm not gonna be listening to this all day long."

"He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating..."

"Are you ever gonna SHUT UP?"

"We made macrame ideas..."

"Jesus Christ!"

"We shared recipes for souffles..."

"Ugh... God..."

"Oh man, it was such a blast!"

"Jesus Christ..."

"And then we talked about our feelings..."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"And then we discussed what it was like to be the loner at high school..."

"Oh man..."

"And you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time! I mean, Sarge is a really neat person."

"I don't wanna _listen_ to this!"

"And we talked about his dream last night where he dreamed that, uh, some shit happened."

"Why me?"


	9. In Stereo Where Available

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translation at the end notes.

Once at the bottom of the ramp, Sarge leapt into the driver's seat of the Warthog while Simmons took the turret position. "Alright, hit it!"

Sarge gunned the engine and the Warthog took off into the canyon, passing by the damaged hulk of the Blues' tank.

In the middle of the canyon, Church stumbled out of the smoke created by the grenade.

"What the hell?" he cried out between coughs. "Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? ...And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs."

Just then, the Warthog came barreling up the hill, soaring over his head.

"Yeehaw!" Sarge cheered. "Ride 'em, cowboy!"

With a cry of alarm, Church quickly disappeared, but not before Simmons spotted him. "Hey Sarge, hold on a sec!"

Sarge pulled the jeep to a stop as Simmons climbed down, looking around the canyon. "Did you see something weird, Sarge?"

"Yes, I did," Sarge replied grimly. "Once when I was a small child, I saw a man, who  _claimed_ to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Simmons quickly cut in. "I meant did you see something weird just now? Like five seconds ago."

"Oh. Then no."

"What was all that stuff about your uncle?"

"I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!"

Simmons went up to Sarge's side. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Just get back in the damn jeep," Sarge snapped.

Meanwhile, Lopez kept running until he found himself back at the Blue Base just as Tucker and Caboose caught up to him.

"Hold it right there, hombre!" Tucker yelled, training his rifle on Lopez before turning to Caboose. "I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work! Church is gonna be so impressed."

"And Sheila will love me again," Caboose said enthusiastically. "And this time for who I am, not just for my stunning good looks. But for those too."

"Pinche mamónes azules," Lopez muttered, shaking his head. "Es tán tan estúpido que como miran.*"

" **Your soul is a cavern of lies!** " Caboose growled, aiming the sniper rifle at the Reds' robot.

Tucker stared at Caboose then turned to Lopez in confusion. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

Lopez's eyes narrowed. "A es ganado esta tiempo, pero su reinado repugnante va se de breve duración. Los rojos vana ser vengado-*"

"Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares," Tucker cut in impatiently. "We need you to fix our tank."

"Nunca vo es trabajar para la enemigo," Lopez retorted. "Pueda un malo estar sobre su alma y su casa.*"

In the HUD of Lopez's helmet, he could see the primary objectives that Sarge had programmed him to do: 1) Fix everything. 2) Hate the orange one. 3) Call Mom more often. But Lopez ignored them as he continued his angry speech. "Un mucho tiempo mi raza sufridos, pero muy pronto vamos a ser un día nuevo. La amanecer de nuestro tiempo está cerca, y cuando la noche acontece su gente la trabajadores de la campo va sabrán que está tiempo.*"

Tucker and Caboose swapped puzzled looks, unable to understand what Lopez was saying.

"Man, I thought Church talked too much," Tucker muttered. "You think if I kick him in the switch, he'll shut up?"

Caboose however was looking over Lopez's shoulder with a terrified expression. "Um, Tucker, I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now! The _fast_ running," he added in a whisper.

Tucker followed his teammate's gaze up to a nearby hill, where the Reds' Warthog was waiting, its turret pointed right at them. "Oh crap!"

"Hold yer fire there, Simmons!" Sarge called. "This is payback time."

"Go for it, sir!" Simmons cheered.

"That's right," Tucker mumbled through a fixed grin as he slowly began to back away from Lopez. "We're just casually strolling away. No cause for concern..."

"RUNNING TIME!" Caboose screaming, pelting at full speed back towards the Base.

"Nice and casual, moron!" Tucker yelled, running after his teammate.

"Sí, sí, corren perros cobardes," Lopez gloated with a laugh. "Sea sabido que la gran Lopez ha ganado en esta día...*"

At that moment, Sarge slammed his foot on the pedal, sending the Warthog careening down the hill.

"Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge!" Simmons yelled, pointing at the cobalt-colored Lopez.

"Way ahead of ya, Simmons!" Sarge replied.

Hearing the shouts, Lopez turned around and his robotic eyes widened in shock. "¿Qué está pasando?*"

"We've got you now, you Blue bastard!" Simmons yelled in triumph.

Lopez turned away with a sigh and closed his eyes. "No me ha dado otro opción.*" With that, he activated the Warthog's remote control, overrode its systems and activated the self-destruct sequence.

At that moment, Simmons looked down at the jeep. "Hey, Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?"

Seconds later, moments before Lopez was about to be hit, KABOOOOOOMMMM! The Warthog exploded and was launched backwards into the air. Sarge and Simmons were thrown out of the jeep as it tumbled before crashing into the side of the Red Base.

Tucker and Caboose saw the whole thing from behind one of the boulders. They ran up to Lopez as he bowed his head. "Perdóneme, padre.*"

"Alright!" Tucker cheered, punching Lopez's shoulder and nearly breaking his knuckles in the process. "Not bad, robot dude!"

"I knew he would save us. I knew it!" Caboose squealed in delight. "Robot people always like me. It's because of my awesome dancing."

But Lopez wasn't sharing the Blues' elation. "Mi espíritu está quebrado. Mis gente a abandonado me y ahora todo está perdido.*" An oily tear ran down his synthetic cheek as he turned to face Tucker. "Haga con mí que quieres."

"Yeah okay, man," Tucker replied curtly. "Can you just shut up and fix out tank?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> *Damn these Blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.
> 
> *You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The Red people will be avenged-
> 
> *Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.
> 
> *Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment.
> 
> *Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs. Be it known that the great Lopez has won this day and...
> 
> *What is happening?
> 
> *You have given me no choice.
> 
> *I'm sorry, father.
> 
> *My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost.
> 
> *Do with me as you will.


	10. Radar Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been driving all night, my hand's wet on the wheel (bow-de-bow-be-bow), there's a voice in my head that drives my- Oh, hello, didn't see you there. Uh, you know the drill, translations in the end notes.

The next morning, Sarge began work on repairing the Warthog while Simmons and Grif watched from the roof of the Red Base.

"Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?" Grif asked.

"Yeah," Simmons agreed, rubbing his bruised head. "You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get into the damn thing, it breaks, or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us."

"Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles," Donut suggested, joining the others. "No, wait, wait! A big tank like the Blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all."

Meanwhile, the Blues, with the help of Lopez, had finally gotten Sheila back to the Blue Base, having pushed the damaged tank all through the night.

"Alright, that's the deal, Mister Robot," Church explained to their new teammate. "You fix our tank, we'll let you go free."

"I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank," Caboose hissed to Tucker, "and then Church will take over his body again when he is done."

"Yeah, but you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on, Caboose," Tucker replied.

Caboose's eyes widened in shock. "So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?!"

"Why would we trick _you?_ " Tucker asked puzzled.

"Oh, I think you know," Caboose retorted.

Lopez meanwhile was still despondent over the Reds' betrayal. "¿Dónde yo iré? Mis amigos quieren matar me.*"

"Okay," Church replied slowly, unable to understand the robot. "I'm gonna take that as a yes and let you get busy with the tank fixing."

"No tengo hogar," Lopez sighed as he picked up the tools and set to work.

Back at Red Base, Simmons and Donut had now joined Sarge by the jeep. Grif, on the other hand, was observing the Blues' activities through his sniper rifle. "Aw crap," he muttered, seeing Lopez climbing into Sheila's cabin. "Hey, uh, they got a guy fixing their tank."

" _Impossible!_ " Sarge cried. "Our Intelligence clearly states-"

"We have intelligence?" Donut cut in.

"-that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead Freelancer and Lopez." Sarge then gasped. "Oh wait a minute!"

"Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Simmons said, having come to the same conclusion. "Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Blue Team?"

"Yes, Simmons, I am," Sarge replied grimly. "Quite obviously, the Blue Team has constructed some kind of _diabolical mind control ray beam_ , that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil Blue bidding!"

"Or," Grif suggested, jumping off the roof, "since he's a robot, maybe they just _reprogrammed_ him."

"Or maybe that Blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost, and now _he's_ possessing Lopez's body," Donut chipped in. "That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner. The Blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body."

Grif, Simmons and Sarge just stared at him in disbelief.

"I think I like the ray beam idea better," Simmons said.

"Yeah, rookie," Grif scoffed. "Your idea sounds a little dumb."

At the Blue Base, Lopez was still busy with the tank. Tucker and Church waited somewhat patiently, while Caboose was jumping up and down like an antsy kangaroo. "Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank, so that I can say hello to Sheila..." At that moment, his voice became deeper and more sinister. " **And start killing everyone!** "

"You mean all the Reds, right?" Tucker asked, nervous of Caboose's strange behavior.

"Of course!" Caboose replied. " **For starters!** "

Church tapped his ghostly foot impatiently. "Come on, how much longer, Lopez?"

"Completo," the robot announced just then, switching on the jeep and climbing out of the cabin.

"Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank," came the familiar feminine voice from the tank's speakers.

"Sheila, you're fixed!" Caboose squealed, hugging one of the tank's treads. "You're fixed!"

"Hello, Private Caboose," Sheila stated, turning her turret to him. "It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me."

"He didn't fix you," Tucker corrected. "Our robot did it."

Caboose glared at Tucker with a dark expression. " **Don't cock-block me!** "

"Dude, come on," Tucker scoffed.

"Robot?" Sheila asked, turning her turret round. "I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot."

As she did, Lopez's eyes widened in amazement at the mechanical beauty before him. Gentle harp music began to play from somewhere as the two machines made eye contact.

"I don't like where this is going," Caboose muttered.

"Hello there," the tank stated shyly. "My name is Sheila, the M808V Main Battle Tank."

"Y yo soy Lopez la Pesado,*" said the robot, giving a graceful bow.

"Lopez, what a nice name for such a nice soldier," Sheila replied. "You have such excellent motor skills."

"Umm, yes, well, Lopez has to go now!" Caboose cut in, trying to pull the robot away. "He was just here to help me fix you and now he has to _go away!_ "

"Dude, this is really weird," Tucker groaned. "Church, will you take your fucking body back?"

"Roger that," Church replied, stepping towards the robot.

"No!" Lopez yelled as he saw Church running at him, but by then, it was already too late. "Hegakergerk!"

Tucker, Caboose and Sheila watched as Lopez began to twitch and shake uncontrollably, struggling to hold back Church's spirit.

"You okay in there, Church?" Tucker called as Lopez grabbed his head and stumbled back. "Church! Hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?"

Just then, Church reappeared next to him, stumbling to the ground. "What the? That wasn't me. What the hell's going on here?"

At that moment, Lopez stopped shaking and he slowly turned around. "Well, buenos dias, cockbites," he said in a familiar female voice. "Guess who's back!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> *Where will I go? Even my friends have tried to kill me.
> 
> *I have no home.
> 
> *And I am Lopez the Heavy.


	11. I Dream of Meanie

Anger flushing his ghostly body red, Church leapt to his feet and glowered at the possessed Lopez. "Get out of my body right now, Tex!"

" _Your_ body?" Tex cried. "This isn't your body, I stole it."

"Yeah, but I stole it first!" Church countered.

"I am confused," Sheila stated, looking at Tex. "I thought your name was Lopez, and I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed... and I like it!"

" **I know how to get her out of there,** " Caboose growled, taking out his pistol and pointing it at Tex. " **Wink.** "

"Caboose, don't!" Church yelled, getting between Tex and the rookie Blue. "Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?"

Caboose shook his head as if he was shaking a flea from his ear then he nodded and climbed on top of Sheila.

Church then turned back to his ex. "Alright Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?"

"Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot," Tex replied.

"Whoa," Tucker cut in quickly. "When you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us _all_ the time?" He turned to look at a nearby boulder that had the words "PRIVATE! TUCKER'S ROCK! KEEP OUT!" painted on it with aqua paint. "Like even when we're alone?"

"Yes, Tucker," Tex replied. "And you should be _very_ ashamed of yourself."

"It's very lonely out here," Tucker murmured sheepishly.

"Anyway, I noticed a change in one of your guys..." Tex nodded to the blue soldier on the tank. "Caboose."

"A change?" Church asked. "Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?"

Tex raised her synthetic eyebrows. "You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?"

"I have!" Tucker cried, raising his hand like a pupil answering the teacher's question. "It started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens."

"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring," Church retorted. "I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

Tex then began her story. "See, I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me." Tucker grimaced slightly, remembering that fear he'd had. "From what I could tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. So once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took its chance."

"And that's when he said he name was O'Malley," Tucker realized, recalling the moment when Caboose's attitude changed during the call. "So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?"

"Right," Church replied. "Everyone's armor has one slot for A.I., and Caboose's would've been vacant."

"I think there are a few of his  _non_ -artificial slots that are empty too," Tucker muttered.

 "And before I could figure out what happened, that  _bitch_ hit with a really lucky shot!" Tex shuddered, recalling her painful death. "And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost."

"Alright, I get it," Church scowled. "Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?"

"Wrong," Tex replied. "You're gonna help me  _kill_  it!"

Church and Tucker swapped surprised looks.

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Sarge had called an urgent meeting of his team in the flag room to discuss some serious matters.

"Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person," Sarge stated, pacing in front of his men. "Who here wants to volunteer?"

"Are we going on a trip?" Donut cried excitedly. "I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?"

"Shut up!" Grif snapped.

"Please? Or Punch Buggy? Or the alphabet game with the signs?"

"Why won't this guy shut up?"

"Uh, sir," Simmons chipped in. "What exactly do you mean by volunteer?"

"Quite obviously, we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity," Sarge replied. "Therefore, the only obvious solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing."

Instantly, Grif and Simmons burst out into horrified shouts. "Wh-What?!" "Have you gone crazy?" "That's the stupidest idea I ever heard!" "What the hell?"

Donut, on the other hand, had a very different response. "Cool! I vote for Simmons!"

"I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really," Sarge explained over Grif and Simmons' muttered arguments, "where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot. If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum."

"I'm confused," Grif muttered.

"Sir, wouldn't it be better if we _didn't_ do that, instead of doing it?" Simmons asked.

"Good thinking, Simmons," Sarge replied. "But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that."

"Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass," Grif said. "But wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?"

"Negative, meatsack," Sarge retorted. "Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust."

Simmons then realized that the others were all looking at him. "Oh, fuck me."

"Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us."

Everyone now turned to Donut. "Hey, pink suit, guys!" the rookie snapped, pointing at his armor. "I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!"

Sarge nodded and turned back to Simmons. "Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing."

"Ugh, you backstabbing ass-monkeys," Simmons groaned.


	12. Room for Rent

At the Blue Base, Tex took Church and Tucker into the building so that Caboose, and more importantly the A.I., couldn't hear her plan. Once in the flag room, Tex relayed her history with O'Malley.

"Well, Tex, that was a great story," Tucker said when she'd finished. "I especially liked the part about Church getting pants'd in high school."

"I found that part to be entirely out of context," Church grumbled.

"But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the A.I.," Tucker went on.

"I don't remember much from the implantation," Tex admitted, remembering the lab where she'd gotten the A.I. "I do remember that the A.I. can be transmitted from host to host by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the A.I. took over and we escaped. If we can kill the A.I. and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it."

"And then I can have my body back, deal?" Church asked.

"Deal," Tex replied.

"Alright!" Church declared. "Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go once we get him out of there."

"Right," Tex agreed.

"What?" Tucker cried. "How the hell am I gonna do that?"

"I don't know, come up with a plan."

"Come on, you know how I feel about plans," Tucker groaned.

"You're not gonna have much time once we get there, so move fast," Tex warned.

"Oh, I see," Tucker scowled, folding his arms. "You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do, I should do it fast?"

"Yeah, that's right," Church replied.

"Yep," Tex agreed.

"Wow, you guys are a lot of help," Tucker sighed sarcastically.

"Try shifting your paradigm," Church said. "Think outside the box."

"Hey, the box is there for a reason," Tucker retorted. "I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there."

Ignoring Tucker's reply, Church led the others out of the flag room up to the entrance of the Base. Cautiously, he peeked out and spotted Caboose climbing off of Sheila then he turned to his ex. "Okay, Tex, ladies first."

"Yeah, right!" Tex retorted. "You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body? Nice try,  _Leonard_."

"Bitch," Church muttered under his breath as he stepped out of the Base. "Hey, Caboose!"

"Huh?" Caboose asked, turning around.

"Heads up!" And with that, Church closed his eyes, charged at Caboose and jumped right into his body.

At the same time, Tex left Lopez and ran after Church. Seconds before she entered, the A.I. in Caboose realized what was about to happen. " **NOOOOOOOOOOO!** "

* * *

As Church entered his teammate, he felt a tremendous feeling around him like he was caught in a tornado. When the feeling stopped, he slowly opened his eyes and found himself standing on a walkway overlooking a huge gray chamber. Huge blocks were scattered on the floor below and other walkways stretched out above him. "Where are we?" he breathed as Tex appeared behind him.

"We're inside Caboose's mind," Tex replied. "Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him."

"Man, this is kinda weird," Church said, glancing around the room.

"It's hard to get used to, I know," Tex said.

"No, it's not that," Church replied. "It's just that this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it was gonna be."

* * *

Carefully, Tucker approached Caboose and examined him closely. His teammate's eyes were glazed over and he didn't even blink when Tucker waved his hand in front of him. "Caboose, are you okay, buddy?"

Caboose turned to glance around the canyon. "This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be."

 "Oookay." Tucker carefully put his arm over Caboose's shoulders and guided him into the Base. "I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez, and figure out some way to get the Reds to shut off their radios."

As they walked down the passage, Caboose turned to Tucker. "Where should we start, Tex?"

"What?" Tucker asked.

* * *

"I said, where should we start, Tex?" Church repeated his question.

"Just keep your eyes peeled," Tex replied, looking around the room. "I guarantee O'Malley will come looking for us."

Just then, Church spotted a figure in aqua armor coming down the ramp behind Tex. "Hey, Tucker! Is that you?"

Hearing his name, Tucker turned to Church, a dim look in his eyes. "No. What are you, stupid? Oh, wait. Yes, I _am_ me. I guess _I'm_ stupid."

"What're you doing in here?" Church shouted. "You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!"

"Do you have any food?" Tucker replied. "I love to eat all the food."

"What the hell?" Church cried, taking aback by Tucker's reply. "What's the matter with you?"

"This isn't really Tucker," Tex explained. "We're in Caboose's head. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker."

"Man, I am so unbelievably stupid!" Tucker said, hammering her explanation home.

"Well, that's great," Church groaned. "Everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain-dead as Caboose, then."

"I would not be so sure about that, Mister Church," came a familiar and yet more intelligent voice behind them.

Church and Tex turned round to see Caboose standing before them...

* * *

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Sarge and Grif were searching for items they could use for Simmons' operation. They'd already found two quarts of vodka, a few bottles of Vaseline, and they were now taking apart the fax machine for extra pieces.

"Great idea, sir," Grif said, handing Sarge a screwdriver. "I finally agree with you."

Just then, Donut came running into the room. "Hey, guys, we might have a problem here," he panted. "Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who, might've thought that one of the cyborg parts we need for Simmons' surgery was a cupholder. And _some_ body, not naming any names here, might've left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing."

"Was it you?" Grif asked.

"Yeah... Uh, no!" Donut squeaked defensively before clearing his throat and repeating in a deeper voice, "I mean, no! ...Dammit."

"Grif, you and Easy Listening stroll on down and retrieve that part from the Warthog, post haste!" Sarge ordered.

"Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the Base right now?" Grif asked nervously. "For all we know, the Blues could've already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak."

"Ah, corndogs!" Sarge scoffed. "Even with Lopez helping 'em, it'll take them _months_ to get that tank online, much less to get it movin' again."

"I hope you're right," Donut said uncertainly. "Because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm _totally_ gonna freak out."

At that very moment, at the Blue Base, Tucker had left Caboose in the sleeping quarters and was now running out of the Base towards Sheila. As he climbed into the cabin and drove the tank into the canyon, he frowned and shook his head slowly. "Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming."


	13. Me, Myself and You

Inside Caboose's mind, Church and Tex quickly explained their presence to the mental images of Caboose and Tucker.

"I see," Caboose replied. "So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well."

"The other?" Church asked then he gasped. "Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?"

"Of course he's seen him, you idiot!" From behind Caboose, a figure in cobalt blue armor stepped out, regarding Church with an sneer. "You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck!"

Caboose was about to apologize, but Church cut him off. "Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!" the newcomer retorted.

"This guy is kind of an asshole," Church hissed to Tex.

"Yeah, we've met," Tex replied pointedly.

"And I'm Caboose's best friend," the new Church snapped. "So don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-licking fuck-sock!"

"Okay, there was a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like," the real Church scowled.

"Just play along, Church," Tex advised. "We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley."

"I'm gonna go look for girls!" Tucker announced, running off down the ramp.

"Fine, whatever," Church muttered.

"If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the Reds first," Caboose decided. "He tried to recruit them against me early on."

Church raised his eyebrows in surprise. "The Reds? The Reds are in here?"

* * *

At the Red Base, Grif and Donut examined the upside down Warthog, searching every nook and cranny that they could reach.

"Are you sure you left the part in there?" Grif asked.

"Hmm, I think so," Donut muttered. "Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait." He closed his eyes and concentrated long and hard before answering, "I think so."

"Alright, let's retrace your steps," Grif sighed. "You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?"

"Right," Donut replied. "I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking 'Where can I hang out with no pants on?'"

Grif pulled a horrified expression. "Oh God!"

Meanwhile, Tucker drove Sheila across the canyon towards the Red Base while Lopez ran alongside.

"Okay well, looks like we're close enough," Tucker said. "Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing." He glanced along the control panel. "Ah, must be this button."

"Do not touch that button," Sheila stated.

"Oh, sorry," Tucker replied, moving his hand away. "Hmm, maybe it's this one."

"Do not touch me," Sheila repeated.

"You know, for a girl your size, you're really sensitive," Tucker muttered.

Back at Red Base, Grif held his head in agony, as Donut continued retracing his steps. "I cannot take any more of this."

"So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended," Donut explained. "But I don't know, it just smells really funny. So I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe."

Grif's face turned three shades of green. "That's it! I'm committing suicide," he groaned, running away from the Warthog.

"Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet," Donut called. "You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh!"

Once in the open, Grif glanced around for a place to throw up, but then he spotted something in the distance that caused his nausea to rapidly fade away. "Oh crap!"

At the top of a hill in the middle of the canyon, the Blues' tank was rumbling towards him at speed. With a yelp, Grif ran back behind the jeep.

"Hey you're back!" Donut cried. "So where was I? Oh yeah. I lanced it. Disgusting!" He made loud gagging noise in his throat.

"Not now, rookie!" Grif snapped, crouching behind the Warthog. "There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!"

"What?!" Donut grabbed onto the edge of the jeep, pulled himself up and saw the tank. "Oh God, it's true!" he gasped, letting go and running around Grif. "I'm totally freaking out!  _I'm freaking out!_ "

Tucker meanwhile was also about to freak out. "Oh my God," he cried. "I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?"

"Retard the throttle," Sheila replied.

"What throttle?" Tucker cried, pointing at a switch. "This throttle?"

"Retard the controller."

"You mean this thing?" Tucker yelled, his hand hovering over a button. "What're you talking about? I'm so confused."

"The controller, retard!"

"Hey, that's kinda insulting."

"Retard, retard, retard..."

"Oh come on," Tucker scowled. "Now you're just being mean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sheila: Retard, retard, retard...
> 
> Me: She's still going. ...Oh wait, she's stopped now.
> 
> Sheila: Retard.
> 
> Me: *sighs* Never mind.


	14. An Audience of Dumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translation in the end notes

As Sheila drew closer and closer to the Red Base, Tucker started to panic. "Ahhh! Sheila, we have to slow down or we're gonna run into that jeep!"

"Please take evasive action," Sheila advised. "Please take evasive actions."

" _You_ take evasive action!" Desperately, Tucker turned to his robot teammate running alongside. "Hey Lopez, help me out! Can't you talk to her?"

"Perdóneme," Lopez replied, shaking his head. "Pero no puedo hablar con mujeres bella. Porque sudo.*"

Meanwhile, Donut and Grif huddled behind the upturned Warthog, awaiting their inevitable doom.

"Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us," Donut gulped. "Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Grif-"

"If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself," Grif warned, his hand hovering over his pistol.

"Let's make a break for it!" Donut finished.

"Whew!" Grif sighed in relief. "In that case, let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past."

"Okay," Donut replied. "You count."

"Fine, but don't look at me while I count because I get nervous." With that, Grif turned the other way and covered his visor. "One... two..." But as he turned back to run on three, he saw Donut already running into the Base. "That son of a bitch, he beat me at my own game."

Just then, Lopez appeared behind him, pointing his gun at him. Grif whirled around in shock. "Curses!"

Suddenly, Sheila came barreling down the hill and rammed right into the Warthog, blowing it up in a massive explosion that sent Lopez and Grif flying.

"Ayayayyy!" Lopez yelled, crashing to the ground.

Grif however was not so lucky. He slammed against the wall of the Base, but before he could recover, Sheila smashed him back into the wall with a sickening smack, sending up a cloud of dust as she finally came to a stop.

Inside the Base, Donut ran down the passage into the medical bay where Sarge was preparing Simmons for his upcoming operation.

"Good golly Miss Molly!" Sarge cried out. "What is going on out there?"

"Sir, the Blues are attacking with their tank!" Donut panted heavily. "They-they blew up the Warthog, again."

"I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys," Simmons muttered.

"Grif and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right, Grif?" Donut turned around for confirmation, but his orange teammate was nowhere to be seen. "Uhh... Grif?"

* * *

Inside Caboose's mind, Church and Tex followed the mental images of the Blues along the walkway. Tex walked ahead with Caboose and Church followed behind with his psycho double, whom he'd mentally dubbed Leonard so as to avoid confusion between them (despite the fact that the real Church had white armor and Leonard had cobalt armor).

"Why the hell did they pair me up with you?" Church murmured crossly.

"I wanted to keep my eye on you," Leonard replied. "I don't trust gigantic turds trying to steal my best friend, you rimjob!"

"Well, this is going to be a great trip," Church sighed.

At that moment, they reached a ledge that overlooked the whole arena, and Leonard ran up to it. "Attention Reds!" he called out. "The Great Caboose demands an audience with you! So listen up, you blow-jobbing cocksuckers!"

One by one, the Reds emerged from behind the barriers. First to emerge was Simmons, trembling in fear. "Caboose?" he stammered. "Oh no, he's come to kill us!"

Next out was Grif, wearing yellow armor and clutching his assault rifle to his chest like it was a beloved teddy bear. "Would someone please help me?" he whimpered. "I don't want to die!"

Then Donut came out, equally nervous. "I love Caboose, and yet I'm so afraid of him!" he said in a girl's voice.

Finally, Sarge appeared. "Arr, I be having a southern accent, yor'll," he said, sounding like a pirate.

"He's so scary," Donut whimpered.

Caboose came onto the ledge next to Leonard, raising his arms to silence the crowd. "Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day."

"Okay, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa," Church interrupted, pushing Leonard to the back. "I gotta correct a few things I'm hearing here." He turned to his mental double. "First of all; you? You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't _have_ a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream, buddy."

"Shove it, dick sniffer!" Leonard snapped.

"And Caboose..." Church sighed as he turned to the rookie's doppelganger. "Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"

"I beg your pardon?" Caboose asked puzzled.

"First of all, that guy?" Church pointed to Grif, making the Red soldier flinch. "He's not yellow, he's orange. And since when is there a girl on the Red Team?"

"My favorite thing is pretty dresses," Donut replied coyly.

"Arr, I got termites in me leg," Sarge said.

"And that is _not_ a southern accent!" Church snapped.

"Do you have any tampons?" Donut asked.

"Seriously, what's the matter with you people?!" Church bellowed.

"Calm down, Church," Tex hissed.

"Don't kill us, Mister Sidekick," Grif moaned.

"Hey butt brunch!" Leonard yelled, shoving Church aside. "I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him, so shut your pie hole!"

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and Leonard staggered back before falling off the ledge to the floor, sending the Reds scattering in fear.

As Tex began to search for the shooter, Church ran up to the ledge and looked down. "Leonard, are you okay?"

"Oh please," Leonard scoffed, getting to his feet. "That fudge-finger couldn't hit me." He then gave an abrupt gasp of pain and clutched his chest. "No wait, I'm gonna die." With that, he fell on the floor again and breathed his last. "Herg! Blow me..."

"There he is!" Tex cried, pointing to the other side of the room.

Church looked up and saw a figure in black armor on a distant walkway, holding a smoking sniper rifle and laughing evilly.

Tex whipped out her assault rifle and nodded to Church. "Let's go get him!" she growled, running down the walkway.

"Alright," Church declared, drawing his pistol out. "Come on, Caboose, let's go."

But Caboose just stared at him in confusion. "I'm sorry, have we met?"

"What?" Church gasped, turning to him in shock. "It's me, Church!"

"I don't seem to have any memory of you," the rookie Blue replied, holding out his hand. "My name is Michael J. Caboose. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Oh, you've got to be freaking kidding me." Church sighed as he set off after Tex. "I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there getting the Reds to turn off their radios."

* * *

"Goddammit!" Tucker sighed, pulling himself out of Sheila's cabin as the dust settled around the Red Base. "This isn't going very well at all." He looked around until he spotted Lopez getting to his feet. "You okay, Lopez?"

"No pueden tocar Lopez la Pesado*," Lopez replied, dusting himself off.

"Whatever, you big showoff," Tucker sighed before glancing down at the tank. "How about you, Sheila? You still online?"

"Affirmative," Sheila stated.

"Okay, we should be close enough to hack into their radio frequency," Tucker said, climbing onto the Base's roof. "Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your stuff."

"What?" the tank asked.

"¡Esto me haciendo muy suderoso!*" Lopez cried.

"Oh my God," Tucker sighed. "Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to Base."

Inside the Base, Sarge paced around his remaining troops in concern. "Well, this is a devil of a peccadillo. Simmons, get on the squawk box and tell Command-"

Just then, their radios switched on and a new voice called out, "Red guys, are you there?"

"What in buttery goodness?" Sarge cried, answering the call. "Who is this?"

"It's me, Tucker, I'm one of the Blue guys," the voice replied. "Look, I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now."

Sarge's eyes narrowed in distrust. "Boy, it'll be a coooold day in hell before I take orders from _you_."

"Look, it's really important, okay?" Tucker insisted. "Normally I'd just shoot you guys and steal your girlfriends, but today is different. I need you to trust on this."

"Well, I may have spoke too soon," Sarge said with heavy sarcasm. "That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely might I add, proposition." He winked at the others, encouraging them to take the hint. "Simmons, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?"

With a nod, Simmons cleared his throat and got on the radio. "Suck it, Blue!"

"Yeah, suck it, Blue!" Donut cheered, joining in the conversation. "Now that's what I call an _old school_ zinger! In your face, Blue dude, in your _face!_ "

On the roof, Tucker sighed and visor-palmed. "Aw man..."

* * *

O'Malley gave another mocking laugh as he saw Tex running up to him. Before she could reach him, he leaped off the walkway and landed on a ledge below them.

"Hurry up, Church!" Tex called. "He's getting away!"

" **You'll never catch me!** " O'Malley goaded.

Church ran over to Tex's side. "Come on, let's go!"

With a nod, the two jumped onto the ledge and took off after O'Malley.

* * *

"Dammit, these guys are not backing down," Tucker grunted, listening to the Reds' mocking laughter. "Lopez, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B."

"Sí, yo entiendo." Lopez took out a CD from his belt pocket labelled "Mi Armor Tiene un Canon Grande" and loaded it into Sheila's audio player.

After a pause, some cheesy love music began to play out of Sheila's speakers. Lopez climbed out of the cabin, switched on his radio and started to sing:

" _La primera vez que vi sus pisadas  
Y sus puerto del acero  
Supe que había encontrado alguien  
Para compartir un verdadero...*_" __  


Inside the Base, Sarge cringed as he heard the song issuing through his helmet. "What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now? Sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!"

"Turn it off, turn it off!" Simmons screamed, covering the sides of his helmet in agony. "Please God, make it stop!"

Donut however was smiling with delight. "Oh man, this rules! RULES!"

* * *

O'Malley ran on through Caboose's mind, trying his hardest to lose his pursuers. After a while, he glanced over his shoulder and realized they were gone. With a laugh, he ran down into the arena, but then Church and Tex leaped out from behind some barriers and drew their guns on him.

" **Huh?** " O'Malley cried, coming to a stop.

"Alright, O'Malley, this is it!" Church cried triumphantly. "From now on, if anyone makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me."

"Aww, that's sweet," Tex smiled.

"Shut up, bitch," Church snapped.

"Asshole," Tex hissed.

" **Never!** " O'Malley scowled. " **The darkness will swallow you whole!** "

"Forget it, O'Malley!" Church retorted. "You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol full of Aspirin!"

"What?" Tex cried. "Oh, that's ridiculous."

"I got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees!"

"Ugh, Church, that's just stupid."

"You're about to split, personality!"

"God, Church," Tex sighed, visor-palming. "Now you're just embarrassing yourself."

* * *

"That's it!" Sarge announced as Lopez's song continued. "I've had enough. I can't take anymore! Everybody, switch off your radios."

"But Sarge!" Donut complained.

"That's an order, Private."

"Sarge, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"

"Don't try my patience, boy!" Sarge warned.

"Ah man!" Donut sighed.

On the roof, Tucker listened as the Reds' cries of despair suddenly changed into radio silence. "WAHOOHOOHOOOOOO, it worked!" he cheered, jumping back into Sheila's cabin and taking out the CD. "Hey, turn off your radio, quick!"

Lopez shut off his com-link and Tucker turned his off as they set off back to Base, fervently hoping that they weren't too late.

* * *

"Nice knowing you, O'Malley," Tex scowled, raising her rifle. "But payback's a bitch, and so am I."

"Wait, Tex," Church cried. "We don't know if Tucker's had enough time."

Tex narrowed her eyes. "There's only one way to find out..."

And with that, she and Church opened fire. O'Malley screamed in anguish as the bullets ripped through his body and then suddenly he was gone.

"Huh, he just disappeared," Church muttered. "I expected like an echoing laugh or the smell of brimstone at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Don't you think that's weird, Tex?" He turned around, but she was nowhere to be seen. "Tex? Tex, where'd you go?"

He ran around the whole arena, but he couldn't find her anywhere. "Tex, where'd you go?" he called out. "How do I get out of here? What happened to O'Malley?!"

* * *

At that moment, O'Malley was ejecting himself out of Caboose's head and zooming out into the air, beeping out a final curse in Morse Code: **-.-. --- -.-. -.- -... .. - . ...**  As he went higher, he discovered that there were no other radios on. Eventually he knew that he was beaten and he started to fade into nonexistence...

...Then suddenly he heard the sound of a radio switching on and he traced the signal into a nearby cave.

"Come in, Blue Command, do you read me?" came a voice the A.I. had heard before. "This is Medical Officer DuFresne. Is anyone there?"

With a sinister chuckle, the A.I. locked on target and struck...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> *I'm sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.
> 
> *Lopez the Heavy is impervious to injury.
> 
> *I'm getting very sweaty!
> 
> *The first time I saw your treads  
> And enormous chassis of steel  
> I knew that I had found someone  
> To share a robot love so real
> 
> Finally, O'Malley's Morse Code message translates to Cockbites.


	15. Aftermath, Before Biology

In a cave on the cliffs of Blood Gulch, a purple-armored figure lay on the floor unconscious. Then his helmet radio switched on and the voice that spoke was loud enough to make him stir.

"Hello, dude, come in," Vic called out urgently. "Doctor dude, are you there? Hello. Paging Doctor dude to the radio, stat! I need twenty CC's of what the hell's going on, dude!"

With a groan, Doc sat up and rubbed his head. "Ugh, what happened?"

"Hey, you tell me, dude," Vic retorted. "One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall, the next thing I knew you turned into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. You threatened to eat my children. Not very cool, dude."

"Geez, did I really?" Doc gasped. "I'm sorry, something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping and honking-"

"Hey, no offense taken, dude," Vic reassured. "Don't got any kids anyway."

"What?" Doc asked.

"Old Vic's been through the snip and stitch, if you know what I mean."

Doc grimaced. "I don't want to hear about that."

"Winky Blinky the One-eyed Sergeant is firing blanks, if you get me."

 "Look-"

"Via Con Dios of the Vas Deferens."

"Yeah, alright, enough, I get you!"

"I mean a vasectomy, dude."

"Look," Doc cut in sharply, getting to his feet. "I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

"Roger that," Vic replied, suddenly intrigued. "What did you find?"

"It's..." Doc stepped closer to his discovery. "It's like a... it's like a thing."

"It's like a thing," Vic stated sarcastically. "Okay dude, thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff, move to Defcon 1."

"Sorry, I'm just a little dazed." Doc examined the object carefully. "It's a big thing. It-it's purple. It's, uh, a big purple thing."

"Use your words, dude," Vic enthused.

"Look, I don't know," Doc sighed impatiently. "It looks like some kinda alien artifact. Do the aliens have like a home base or something here?"

"I don't know," Vic said, typing on his computer. "Why don't I just consult my Extraterrestrial Travel Guide for ya? Oh look! They got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there. Lucky you."

Mistaking Vic's comment for more sarcasm, Doc gave an irritated sigh. "Never mind, I'll just figure it out myself."

"Nothin' about big purple things, though," Vic went on. "Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle."

Doc ended the call, not really hearing Vic's last message. "Man, that guy is such a jerk," he muttered crossly. "The next time he talks to me like that, I’m gonna tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks." He then sighed and looked at his reflection on the side of the purple thing. "Oh, I really shouldn’t talk like that. That’s not very nice."

At that moment, his reflection took on a sinister grin and its eyes narrowed. " **If I ever meet** **him,** " it growled in a scary voice, " **I'm taking his eyes as souvenirs!** "

"Whoa!" Doc gasped, jumping back in alarm. "That was unlike me! I must be stressed out. Time for yoga!"

With that, he sat down to begin his session.

At the Blue Base, Church stood by Sheila while Tucker examined her, checking her out for any damage she could have sustained when she crashed into the Red Base.

"How's Sheila doing?" Church asked once Tucker emerged.

"I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty," Tucker replied, picking up a spanner. "She may have twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage. Could be a disk."

"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you?" Church stated.

"Eh, no. Not a clue," Tucker admitted.

"What about Tex? Any sign of her?" Church asked. When he'd finally worked out how to get out of Caboose's head (a feat that had taken him all night to do), he'd searched around the entire base, but couldn't find her anywhere. She had just disappeared as quickly as she had come in the first place.

"No, no Tex," Tucker replied. "Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?"

"When we were dating, she’d sneak off all the time," Church admitted. "But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she’d taken out of my wallet. And since I don’t have any money, and… well, no offense to you, Tucker, but…"

Tucker flung the spanner at Church, which passed through him and hit the wall behind him. "You're a dick."

Meanwhile, in the medical ward of the Red Base, Sarge and Donut watched in concern as Grif began to awaken, moaning and groaning like a castrated sheep.

"Grif, don't try to move too much," Sarge advised calmly. "You've been through quite the ordeal."

"Oh man," Grif groaned, rubbing his head as he sat up on the gurney. "Where am I?"

"Hush now," Donut hissed, patting Grif's arm. "Shhhhh, shshshshhhh. It was really touch-and-go there for a while, buddy. But I did it..." He sucked in a sob. "I pulled you through."

"How long was I out?" Grif muttered.

"Don't you worry," Sarge reassured. "Nurse Donut here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keepin' you company."

"My right hand?" Grif asked nervously.

"Your left," Donut replied.

Grif groaned as he looked at the hand he'd been rubbing his head with. "Note to self: Cut off left hand."

Sarge swapped a worried look with Donut. "Technically speaking, it's not really _your_ left hand."

"Say what?" Grif gasped.

"I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over," Sarge explained. "And a few that were atrophied from a lifetime diet of Hoo-hoos and bacon-flavored marshmallows."

"Wait, which body parts?" Grif asked, looking at his limbs in bafflement.

"Well, let's see," Sarge replied. "We had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down the flank, made a left turn at the spare rib..."

"Huh?" Grif looked puzzled.

"Yeah, we couldn't really find an anatomy book," Donut admitted. Then he pointed to a butcher's poster on the wall. "But we did find one of those pictures with the cow and the dotted lines all over it. I think it did the trick."

"And of course the brisket," Sarge went on. "Oh, and the hocks."

"Wait, wait," Grif cut in. "Where did you get the replacement parts?"

"Why, from our other subject, of course," Sarge replied, just as Simmons walked in.

"Subject my cyborg ass," Simmons snapped.

Grif's jaw fell so far that it bounced off the bottom of his helmet. "No... way!!"

"Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numbnuts," Simmons scowled.

"Yep, those too," Sarge added.

"Did I get your lips?" Grif smirked. "'Cos maybe then I'll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass."

"And the ass," Sarge put in.

"What the hell?" Grif cried. "What _didn't_ I get?"

"We pretty much replaced all the internal organs, and some of the more disgusting external ones," Sarge answered. "Except for Simmons' spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation and espirits de corps."

Grif looked disgusted. "This doesn't seem physically possible."

"Nonsense," Sarge argued. "Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake 'n bake."

"And I helped!" Donut piped up.

"Actually, Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help," Sarge stated. "But it sure was entertaining!"


	16. What's Mine Is Yours

At the Blue Base, Church and Tucker went down into the sleeping quarters to check on Caboose and found him sitting up on his bed.

"Man, Caboose, you were asleep for a long time," Tucker said, sitting on one corner of the bed. "What were you dreaming about?"

"Oh, nothing," Caboose replied. "I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping."

"That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too," Tucker pointed out.

"I think consistency is important," Caboose said.

Church examined the rookie Blue, checking for any unusual activity. "Well, you look okay," he muttered. "Then again, that's just the armor. How do you feel?"

"Great!" Caboose said, looking at Church with a puzzled frown. "Who are you?"

"Oh come on! Not this again!" Church cried. "How can you seriously not remember me?"

Caboose took a closer look at him. "Oh, of course! I remember you! You're Marvin."

"I'm  _Church!_ " the Blue leader snapped.

"I think I would remember a name that ridiculous," Caboose scoffed. "Nope, you are definitely Phil."

"You killed me with the tank."

"Dave."

"You insulted my girlfriend, called her a cow."

"Karen."

"Dude, he called her a slut," Tucker put in, getting to his feet.

"Phineas?"

Church put both hands on the bed and glared at Caboose. "Your whole life is based around trying to please me."

"Wally?" Caboose stammered, tumbling off the bed. "Milo?"

"In fact," Church added with angry finality. "I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."

"Psst," Caboose hissed loudly to Tucker. "The new guy is pretty full of himself."

"New guy, what the?" Church growled, his body flashing red with anger. "I'm not the new guy,  _you're_ the new guy!"

"I don't know, I kinda like it," Tucker chuckled. "I could get used to calling you Rookie."

"Oh yeah?" Church retorted. "Could you get used to me beating you to death?"

"Psst, what;'s wrong with the rookie?" Caboose hissed. "He seems mad."

"Oh son of a bitch," Church sighed, his body fading back to white as he sat on Caboose's bed.

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Grif stood on the roof, watching as Donut tried to jump through the broken skylight, hopping up and down like a kangaroo with ants in its pouch.

"Donut, there is no way you can jump that high," Grif goaded.

"Yes, I can," Donut grunted as he hopped again. "Yes, I can."

Just then, Simmons came up behind Grif and glanced down at Donut. "What the hell is he doing?"

"Losing a bet," Grif smirked.

Donut leaped again and just touched the edge of the skylight before landing. "Oh, I almost got it that time," he groaned. "Are you sweating yet, sucker?"

"No, I can't sweat," Grif muttered. "Simmons' stupid sweat glands don't even work right."

"What?" Simmons cried. "They were working when I gave them to you."

"Please," Grif scoffed. "I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want them back so bad, take 'em."

"I can't," Simmons sighed ruefully. "Sarge says that sweat makes my cyborg parts rusty, so I'm cooled by Freon now."

"Ah, delicious Freon..." Grif's words were suddenly broken off as he started to cough and splutter quite harshly.

"Grif, are you alright? Are my lungs okay?" A thought then crossed Simmons' computerized mind. "Hey, wait a minute. Are you smoking inside your helmet again?"

"What? No!" Grif retorted, and as he did, a wisp of smoke blasted out of his helmet filter. "Oops."

"Dammit, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?"

"None."

Simmons glared at him in disbelief.

"Okay, five... or more. Baker's dozen at most."

"Do you even know how many are in a baker's dozen?"

"By my count... forty-eight."

"Alright, that's it." In a series of rapid movements, Simmons pulled off Grif's helmet, snatched the cigarette out of his mouth, threw it down, stamped it out and then jammed Grif's helmet back on his head. "No more smoking, no more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby! You're not going to ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours."

"That's okay," Grif winced. "I can think of other ways to ruin them."

At that moment, a loud crash rang out from the skylight, followed by Donut's cries of pain. "AAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAOOOOOWWW!"

Grif and Simmons looked through the skylight as Donut staggered into view, rubbing his leg. "Who left the spleen-ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something. Simmons, I need your ovaries!"

Simmons sighed and bowed his head. "Ugh, I really hate this army."

At that moment, Sarge came running up the ramp. "Grif, Simmons 2.0! I just got off the horn to Command. I'm afraid we have a situation."

"Ah, don't tell me they canceled the holiday party again!" Simmons moaned. "Those cheap bastards. All I wanted was one night of carefree dancing, but noooo. I ask you, when is it gonna be Simmons' turn? _When?!_ "

Sarge swapped a very confused look with Grif. "Uh, actually, the problem is with Lopez."

"Don't tell me," Grif replied. "The Consulate General from Spanish Land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate."

"There's no such thing as Spanish Land, you retard!" Simmons snapped.

"Yes, there is," Grif retorted. "They have all those, uh... uh, waterslides. And all that salsa."

"No, they don't."

"Well, I guess you would know."

"What's that supposed to mean? For the last time, I'm _Dutch-Irish!_ "

"Hey, don't let your fiery Latino temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point."

"Can it, Frankenstein," Sarge cut in, ending the argument. "We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boilin' over. I've just learned that Command implanted Lopez with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have  _any_ idea what this means?"

"I, uh..." Grif thought for a moment. "Uh, Simmons, you wanna take this one?"

"Were you not listening again?" Simmons yelled. "What the hell were you thinking about?"

"Certainly not waterslides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa," Grif replied.

"What this means," Sarge explained, slowly and carefully, "is that if we don't get Lopez back before the Blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up Pooper Creek without a paddle!"

"Ewww, that's gross!" Grif groaned.

"I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass," Sarge went on. "Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind into a tunnel of-"

"Sir, I think we get the picture," Simmons interrupted quickly. "The very, very disturbing picture."

"You're sure?" Sarge asked. "I could go on."

"I'm sure you could," Grif replied. "But no. Really."

"Just one more?"

"Stop!"

"Come on, they're fun," Sarge insisted. "Simmons, you try one. I'll start you off: Flyin' by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?"

"Sorry, Sir," Simmons replied. "I'm not good at word games."

"Ah, you're both a couple of lousy blanks," Sarge muttered.


	17. Blunderball

At the Blue Base, Tucker and Caboose watched from the doorway as their two mechanical teammates chatted to each other.

"Man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending a lot of time together," Tucker said.

"I don't like it," Caboose scowled. "He is not good enough for my Sheila."

"But they seem happy together," Tucker remarked.

Caboose folded his arms and narrowed his eyes at Lopez. "He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive... and delicate."

"Delicate?" Tucker cried. "She weighs like two hundred tons, dude."

"She is a precious flower," Caboose sighed whimsically.

With a puzzled frown, Tucker ran over to Sheila and Lopez. "Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor. This might sound strange, but I think Caboose is getting kind of jealous of your relationship."

"SHEEIIILLAAAAA! Come back to meeee!" Caboose called out. "I made you a muffin!"

"Anyway," Tucker sighed. "Could you just try to keep a low profile or something? We don't want some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle."

Sheila moved her turret to Lopez then turned back. "Tucker, I've been speaking with Lopez, and we feel that the machine has been treated unfairly in this canyon."

"What're you talking about?" Tucker asked baffled.

"On a regular basis, we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust."

Lopez nodded in agreement.

"Huh?" Tucker cried.

"We have decided that until conditions improve," Sheila replied, "we are _not_ going to help you in your battles."

Tucker gasped in horror. "You're kidding, right?"

Sheila lowered her turret down until it was aimed right at Tucker's visor. "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Tucker gulped nervously. This was not looking good.

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Sarge was planning a brilliant strategy to retake Lopez from the Blues. "It's very simple. We use a flea flicker maneuver with a run and gun two-by-two approach, tactical ops will be- Aw hell, who am I kidding? Grif, Donut, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak around back to grab Lopez."

"Sounds like a plan!" Donut said eagerly.

"No it doesn't!" Grif retorted. "How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over."

"Would electrified be okay?" Simmons asked.

"No!" Grif yelled.

"Well, I'm out of ideas," Simmons sighed with a shrug.

"Look," Grif said to Sarge. "Instead of running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, we don't we try some reconnaissance this time?"

"You mean like spy stuff?" Donut asked ecstatically. "That would be cool! I could wear a spy tuxedo-"

"No," Sarge retorted.

"-with a hidden spy camera-"

"No," Simmons yelled.

"-inside a tiny spy bow tie-"

"No," Grif shouted.

"-or, I could wear a flower on my lapel-"

"I said no!" Sarge snapped.

"-that sprays _water_ in people's faces!"

"Shut up, Donut," Simmons cried.

"No, a secret spy liquid!" Donut chuckled. "That would be awesome!"

"NO!" Sarge and Simmons yelled.

"Maybe!" Grif added then corrected himself. "Uh, I mean, no!"

"Oh, come on!" Donut begged. "I could be Double O Donut."

"You mean like Doonut?" Simmons scoffed.

"With a license to thrill, or _be_ thrilled!"

"Alright," Sarge decided. "Since you're both so into the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double."

"Great," Grif sighed, setting off into the canyon. "More time alone with the idiot."

Donut ran to catch up with him. "Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif! Let's pretend we're wearing super spy jet-packs!"

Grif let out a frustrated sigh.

"No no no no, like this!" Donut started blowing through his teeth and lips, making loud whooshing noises.

Ten minutes later, Grif and Donut were on a cliff that overlooked the Blue Base, and Donut was still making jet-pack noises.

"Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?" Grif snapped, lowering his sniper rifle to glare at him.

"Come on, Agent-" Donut paused to clear his throat then spoke in a much deeper voice. "Come on, Agent Grif, we've got to hurry if you want to save the Princess from the evil goblins."

"What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?"

"Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright?" Donut retorted. "Deal with it!"

Grif visor-palmed with a sigh. "Donut, can you go find some higher ground or something?"

"But we're on higher ground now," Donut pointed out.

"Why don't you use your jet-pack to get to the _highest_ ground?"

"Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that."

"No, if they were _that_ stupid, we probably would've won by now."

Donut shrugged his shoulders like he was putting on a real jet-pack and pointed his arm down the cliff. "Secret Agent Donut to the rescue!" With that, he charged along the ledge, whooshing all the way.

Grif looked down at his sniper rifle then turned to look at Donut. "I could just shoot him," he considered. "No one would ever have to know. No one."

Below him at the Blue Base, Tucker found his leader on the rooftop. "Hey Church, we might have a problem."

"Is this a new problem?" Church asked. "Or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?"

"New one," Tucker replied. "Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them."

"What?!" Church gasped. "Did you try to talk them out of it?"

"No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!"

"Man... Well, we gotta find a way to separate them. Maybe it's time we get rid of Lopez."

"But without Lopez, you wouldn't have a body to use," Tucker reminded him. "Why don't you just possess him like you normally do."

"I would, but it's getting harder to do each time," Church admitted. "I think he's learned to fight it somehow."

Meanwhile, in the cave on the cliffs, Doc was also fighting for control. During his meditation, he'd discovered that an artificial intelligence had taken possession of his armor and was planning to destroy everyone in Blood Gulch and then take over the universe, leaving Doc now having an argument with himself.

"You know," Doc said, pacing in front of his discovery. "I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this."

" **I agree,** " the A.I. replied, twisting Doc's face into a sneer. " **Except replace the word 'non' with extremely! And after the word 'violent', include the phrase 'blood explosion extraordinaire!' Hahahahahaaaaaaaaa!** "

The laughter echoed up to the entrance of the cave, where at that moment, Donut was just running past. Hearing the laughter, he paused and turned towards the cave. "Hey, what's going on in there?"

As he drew closer to the cave, he could hear a voice calling out in desperation. "We can't do this! They're gonna find out! They'll find out about us, the machine, everything!"

"What the...?" Donut muttered. "Those voices sound suspicious."

Silently, he crept into the cave until he came up to a large boulder. Peeking around it, he saw a figure in purple armor standing next to a large purple machine.

" **I will** **rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!** " came an evil-sounding voice.

"But I'm a vegetarian!" the figure cried.

"Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget," Donut realized quietly. "But where's the guy he's talking to?"

"We can't just sabotage their equipment!" Doc shouted. "That's rude."

"Sabotage?" Donut murmured. "That doesn't sound too good."

" **I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!** " the evil voice proclaimed.

"That sounds even worse!" Donut gulped.

" **They will all taste oblivion! ...Which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting!** "

"Whoa!"

" **All will perish! Muahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!** "

"All?" Donut gasped in horror. "That includes _me!_ Oh man, I gotta tell the guys!" With that, he ran out of the cave.

"Hello? Who's there?" Doc called out as the evil laughter came again. "Please help me! I'm scared of myself!"

Once he was in the open, Donut took off down the cliff. "Gotta... get back to Base!" he panted as he ran through the canyon. "Back... to Base!"

He then spotted it as he crested a hill. "Oh man, there it is! Guys! Hey guys!" He stopped and looked around in confusion. "Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in that cave that..." He turned to point at the cliff, but then he saw something bizarre. "Hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank?"

Then a worrying thought crossed his mind. "Wait a minute, this looks like the store. Except Sarge told me there was no store..." He then heard a clicking noise behind him and he whirled around in shock. "Oh no!"

"Oh yeah!" Tucker retorted as he and Caboose aimed their pistols at Donut.

Above them on the cliff, Grif watched through the sniper scope as Donut raised his hands in surrender. "Aw, crap," he sighed as he set off back to Red Base. "I _knew_ I should've just shot him!"


	18. Dealer Incentive

At Blue Base, Tucker and Caboose escorted Donut down to their brig. Unfortunately, their cells' locking system was built with a hand scanner set only for their captain's handprint. And after the captain's sudden death, Church and Tucker had forgotten to reset it for them. So instead, Tucker had settled with a more primitive method: tying up Donut's hands with a strong rope and forcing him into a chair so they could interrogate him.

"So, they sent a female assassin to try and kill us," Tucker sneered, pacing around Donut. "Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to our feminine wiles..." He then stopped and looked at Donut. "Unless you wanna date one of us."

"Female?!" Donut spluttered. "I'm not a girl. I just have light red armor."

"Tease," Tucker muttered under his breath.

"How is that pink armor anyway?" Caboose asked. "Looks comfortable..."

"At first I really hated it," Donut admitted. "But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' _awful_. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!"

"Silence, woman!" Tucker snapped.

Meanwhile, Grif had returned to the Red Base and between his heavy pants for breath, he told the others of Donut's capture.

"Good Buddha's noodle!" Sarge cried in despair. "How could this have happened?"

"It's okay, sir," Simmons replied loyally. "It was a strong plan. Grif's just a dumbass."

"Hey, I'm using _your_ cerebral cortex!" Grif retorted.

"Settle down, ladies," Sarge commanded. "We need a new stratagem, and we need it fast."

"Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything," Simmons agreed.

"Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?" Grif scoffed.

"You're right about that, Simmons," Sarge stated grimly. "The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh, these kids today!"

Back at Blue Base, Tucker left the brig and walked down the passage, meeting Church at the entrance.

"How's it goin', Tucker?" Church asked. "We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?"

"Not really," Tucker admitted. "I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?"

"Do we have a crock pot?"

"No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a 'mystery box'." At the last two words, Tucker made quotation marks with his fingers.

"What was in the mystery box?"

"A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise."

"Well, that's a good trade," Church sighed sarcastically.

"Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen," Tucker replied, missing the irony.

"How did you- ugh, never mind," Church sighed, not really wanting to know. "Listen,  I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds."

Tucker didn't reply for quite a while.

"The plan does not involve mayonnaise," Church added.

"Dammit!" Tucker groaned. "I knew there would be a catch."

Down in the brig, Caboose was interrogating Donut in his own special way.

"That was fun," he giggled. "Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare?"

Donut thought for a moment. "Hmmmmm... Truth."

"Okay," Caboose replied. "Tell me... all of the Reds' secret plans!"

"Ohh, you tricked me!" Donut cried. "You Blue guys are so smart. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is- Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!" He suddenly jerked backwards, falling off his chair. Then he got to his feet.

"Caboose! It's me, Church!" he said in his leader's voice. "I possessed this guy so we can... Whoa." Church paused. "Hey, this pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?"

"Ohhhhh, nothing," Caboose muttered in disappointment.

Church gave a wry smile. "You wanna braid each other's hair?"

Soon, the Blues had reached the hill outside the Red Base. Church still had his hands tied in case Donut managed to fight him off.

"Hello, inferior Red Squad!" Tucker called out.

"We would like to talk to you about-" Church start to say.

"Sneak attack!" Caboose yelled, jumping in front of him and waving his assault rifle.

"Shut up, you idiot!" Church snapped. "We're not here to fight, we're here to negotiate."

"Aha, sneak negotiation!" Caboose hissed, putting his rifle away.

Hearing the racket, the Reds came out of the Base.

"What the- Donut?" Sarge cried, spotting the pink private. "What is this?"

"I think he's talking to you," Tucker hissed to Church.

"We, uh I mean _they_ , would like to negotiate a surrender, to us," Church called. "No, to them. No, wait, no no, that's right, to them, to us."

"Oh smooth, dude," Tucker sighed.

"What's this business? The Blues are givin' up?" Sarge's eyes narrowed as he glared at their foe. "I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat in a trap. Don't accept it, Simmons."

"You can't surrender, Blues!" Simmons yelled. "We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender."

"Wait," Grif cut in. "If we accept, that means we would have to surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!"

"Win what?" Simmons asked.

"I don't know, the war or... something. Right?"

"You're an idiot," Simmons groaned.

"In exchange for not killing us," Church went on, "they, them-we, they would like to release the robot guy, and me." He glanced at Tucker a few times before adding, "The pink guy."

"Are you becoming retarded?" Tucker cried.

"What should we do, sir?" Simmons asked.

Sarge shook his head. "I'm torn, between my _intense_ distrust of the Blue Team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons."

"None taken, sir," Simmons reassured. "You removed the negative emotional center of my brain and implanted it in Grif."

At that moment, Grif suddenly burst into tears and covered his visor with his hands. "No, I can- I can't take this, we're all gonna die!"

Church turned to Tucker in concern. "I don't think they're going for it."

As if to clarify, there was a loud bang and Tucker felt a shot grazing his left shoulder. "Oh, motherfucker!" he yelped.

"Okay, _now_ you're under attack!" Simmons shouted, throwing the sniper rifle aside. "Go ahead and surrender, bitch!"

"Nice thinkin', Simmons," Sarge beamed.

"The humanity!" Grif sobbed.

"Alright, they surrender!" Church yelled.

"Fuck that, I'm pissed, let's fight." Tucker drew out his pistol and took aim at Simmons. Just before he fired, Church raised his bound hands and smacked the gun out of his hands. Tucker made to grab it, but Church shook his head.

Fortunately, Sarge either didn't see Tucker's attempted retaliation or assumed that Donut had stopped them. Either way, he called out, "Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private."

"Okay," Church replied. "But there's one catch."

"What in shinola?" Sarge asked.

"Sarge, they want you to build two robots for their team, one for each prisoner that they're releasing."

"Hey, that wasn't part of the deal!" Simmons yelled.

"Why exactly are we negotiating with Donut?" Grif asked puzzled.

Tucker was equally confused, but for a different reason. "Church, why do we need _two_ robots?"

"You know, one for me, and..." Church looked shifty as he muttered under his breath, "One for Texas."

"Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex!" Tucker cried. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

"Hey, get off my back, man!" Church retorted. "Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway. Bitch."

"Eh, good point," Tucker conceded.

"Alright, you Blue scumsuckers!" Sarge called. "What robot models did you have in mind?"

"I guess, make 'em just like Lopez," Church replied. "Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence."

"These new robots sound much nicer," Caboose hissed.

"That's because they sound like _you_ ," Tucker teased.

"Oh, and no Spanish!" Church added. "And a bigger switch!"

"Okay, we got a deal," Sarge yelled. "Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange."

"Deal!" Tucker replied.

Church then turned to his team. "Okay, I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave, I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base." With that, he stepped out of Donut's body and disappeared.

"Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee!" Donut yelped as his mind was released. "What the...?" he said, looking around in confusion. "Where am I?"

"We were just talking to your friends," Caboose replied, placing an arm over Donut's shoulder. "But you're going to stay with us for a while."

"Are we gonna have a sleepover?" Donut asked. "Because that would be sweet."

Church smiled. "You're a nice lady."

Meanwhile, Church reappeared at Blue Base and ran around the back. "Alright guys, I-" He stopped as he came round the corner. "Sheila? Lopez? What the...? Why do people keep leaving?"

Back in the canyon, Tucker and Caboose were about to take Donut back to base when they heard Sarge calling again. "Oh Blue Team! Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots."

"What optional equipment?" Tucker asked.

"All you said you wanted was the body. We didn't talk about featuuuures!"

"Like what?"

"You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features man, come on! Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?"

"Of course."

"Asynchronous arm movement issssss optional!"

"What?" Tucker cried. "Oh man, I told Church they would try to screw us! What about the feet?"

"Did you want feet?" Sarge asked cheekily.

"Yeah, we want feet."

"Sorry, feet are optional."

"What's at the bottom of its legs?"

"Legs are optional."

"Oh man, what a ripoff."

"Options are optional."

"What _isn't_ optional?" Tucker yelled impatiently.

"You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out," Sarge replied in the manner of a car salesman. "Have you thought about financing? How's yer credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fan _tastic_!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Offer of free lube jobs available until 0600 tomorrow. Terms and conditions apply. ...Sorry, I just had to.


	19. K.I.T. B.F.F.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translation notes at the end notes.

Once the robots' features were sorted, the Blues returned to Base. Tucker sent Donut back to the brig and left Caboose to guard him and then went to look for Church, only to receive the bad news.

"So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here?" Tucker asked.

"Yep. They even left a note." Church pointed to a letter pinned to the side of the base wall, written in binary except for the signature 'Sheila y Lopez'. "It says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great."

"Didn't they have a non-compete clause?" Tucker muttered, not wondering how Church was able to understand binary.

Church turned back to the note. "It also says they want to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600 to discuss the terms of our defeat and/or surrender..." He frowned and scratched his helmet. "0600... What does that mean?"

"Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the Reds?" Tucker recalled.

"It means six o'clock, right?" Church replied. "Or does it mean... six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes, six hundred minutes? Because that'd be..." He did a mental calculation. "That'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or ten o'clock?"

"Man, we should really get a day planner or something," Tucker sighed. "'Cos this shit's just getting ridiculous."

The rest of the night was spent determining the time to come, but eventually the Blues decided just to turn up at six and then see how it went from there.

Meanwhile, Sarge spent the whole night working on the robots and by the time the sun came up, there were now two figures standing outside the Red Base; one wearing cobalt armor and the other in black armor, as agreed by the Blue Team.

Sarge was busy screwing in the final pieces into the cobalt robot when Simmons came out. "How's it going, sir?"

"Great! With these new color coded instructions, building robots has never been easier." Sarge pointed to a set of plans on the floor. "Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seems laughably obvious." He chuckled to himself. "Uh, except for you, Simmons. No mistakes there."

"Yeah, I didn't think so, sir," Simmons replied, drawing out his pistol as he spoke. "You're great at this, even without any formal training or first party certification." Just then, he lowered the gun at his feet and fired a shot.

Sarge looked down at this with a frown then looked back at Simmons. "Son, did you just shoot yourself in the foot?"

"Yeah, I do that now sometimes," Simmons admitted, putting his gun away. "And I'm not really sure why."

"I'm sure it's user error," Sarge dismissed.

"Hey guys, it's almost time," Grif called out, coming out of the base. "Are the robots ready yet?"

"Just puttin' on the finishing touches..." After one final twist of the spanner, Sarge closed up the robot's armor and got to his feet. "Gentlemen! Allow me to introduce, Francisco Montague Zanzibar." He nodded at the black robot then he glanced at the cobalt one. "And this one over here is Robot No. 2."

"Why didn't this one get a fancy name?" Grif asked.

Sarge gave the blue robot a stern glare. "Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-back chip and rejected all the names I came up with."

In response, Robot No. 2 gave a series of tones like the music from Close Encounters of the Third Kind, except the last note was replaced by a loud honking noise as he threw the bird.

"But that's okay," Sarge continued. "I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on Numero Dos. Check it out." He took a few steps back and cleared his throat. "Robot No. 2! Codewoooord: Dirtbag!"

Instantly, the robot gave two loud beeps followed by an "eep" then he ran up and punched Grif in the face.

"Ow!" Grif yelped as the robot stepped back. "Hey!"

"Heh heh heh, pretty nifty, huh?" Sarge chuckled.

"That's awesome, sir!" Simmons cried. "Let me try, let me try. Codeword: Dirtbag."

 _Beep, boop!_ "Eep!" Robot No. 2 ran over and punched Grif again.

"Ow!" Grif cried. "Okay, fine, two can play at this game. Codeword: Dirtbag!"

 _Beep, boop!_ "Eep!" The robot punched Grif again, knocking him to the floor.

"Ah, son of a bitch!" Grif grunted.

"But that's not the only feature," Sarge went on.

"What do you mean, sir?" Simmons asked.

"Well..." Sarge took on a shifty expression. "I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone, that will allow us to eavesdrop on the Blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot, contains a ten megaton bomb!" He burst out laughing but then stopped. "Uh, I guess I kinda gave it away."

"Yeah, you kinda did," Grif replied, getting to his feet.

Back at Blue Base, Tucker informed Caboose that he could untie Donut as the time was getting close.

"I think this is what they call the calm before the storm," Donut mused, rubbing feeling back in his wrists now that his hands were free.

"I call it nap time, which is right before food time," Caboose replied. "And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all."

Donut gave a heavy sigh and put a hand on the Blue's shoulder. "Mister Caboose, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be... my friend." With that, he grabbed Caboose in a hug.

"Private Donut?" Caboose said after a pause. "That sounds like Private Biscuit."

"Yes, it does," Donut sobbed.

At exactly 0600 hours (six o'clock), the Reds left their Base and set off towards the middle of the canyon, the robots trailing behind them.

"You think they'll show up?" Grif asked Simmons.

"Well, my gut says no," Simmons replied. "But then again, my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about. Stupid gut."

Just then, the ground began to tremble and Sarge turned to see Sheila rolling up onto a hill on the right of the Reds. "Great Caesar's toast! Looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!"

Inside Sheila's cabin, Lopez, who'd spent the whole night removing the cobalt paint from his armor which was now brown again, frowned in confusion. "¿Por qué estan los Rojos aquí? No el vamos a conquistarlos hasta la Jueves próximo.*"

Meanwhile, the Blues and their prisoner had also arrived in the middle of the canyon. At the top of a hill, Tucker stopped and Caboose pointed his gun at Donut. "That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin."

"Ah, they're lining up in flanking formation," Sarge noted, his eyes narrowing. "Those Blue jackals! Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas. This could get ugly."

At that moment, Church had reached the cliff that overlooked the whole canyon and was now scanning the area through the scope of his sniper rifle. Then his radio switched on. "Are you there, Church?" Tucker called out. "Church, are you there, Church?"

"Hey man," Church replied. "I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?"

"Sorry, man," Tucker said. "I'm still picking up the Reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter."

"Well, are you at least getting any useful information?"

"Nah, it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?"

"Alright," Church sighed. "Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion."

Tucker looked around the area. "Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here."

"What?" Church snapped.

"I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note."

"Okay, fine," Church cut in impatiently. " _Triangle_ of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery; WHO CARES?! Get the Goddamn show on the road!"

"Alright, alright, sorry," Tucker muttered. "Initiating primary commencement phase."

"What're they talking about?" Donut asked.

"Quiet, Commander Pop'n'Fresh," Caboose ordered. "I think they're talking about your golden flaky crust."

"Hello, everyone!" Tucker addressed the gathered armies. "We're here to surrender! At this time, we like to ask for one representative/prisoner from each group to cross sides."

"Hey, I think I see Lopez over there!" Grif cried as the robot soldier climbed out of Sheila's cabin.

"Lopez la Pesado no te haga caso*," Lopez yelled out.

"Tell him, big daddy," Sheila cheered.

"Yep, it's him," Grif confirmed.

Tucker turned to Donut. "Okay, get going, pinky."

With a nod, Donut set off over the hill towards the Reds.

"Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun!" Caboose called. "I will always remember your buttery goodness!" He then turned to Tucker. "Who was that guy?"

"Look, they're releasing Donut," Simmons said.

"Go on, Francis Ex, front 'n' center," Sarge ordered.

With that, Francisco Montague Zanzibar ran towards Donut.

"¡Un robotesa!" Lopez gasped in horror. "Quieren echar nuestros contra nosotros!*"

Hearing Lopez's cries, Tucker got back on the radio. "Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?"

"Just stick to the plan, Tucker," Church replied, setting off down the cliff. "Get the first robot over there. I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!"

But while they were talking, Lopez ran into the middle of the canyon, right between Donut and Zanzibar, and pointed his gun at the robot. "¡Alto, traidor!*"

"What the- It's a double cross!" Sarge cried. "Donut, Frankie Zane, get back here!"

"No!" Tucker yelled, aiming his rifle at Lopez. "Stay where you are! Do not go back!"

"Now the Blues are aiming at each other?" Simmons said baffled. "What the hell's going on?"

 "We've been outmaneuvered, men!" Sarge shouted. "Take cover. I'm calling in an air strike."

As Sarge switched on his radio, the feedback blared through Tucker's headset. "OW, MOTHER- What the hell is that noise?"

"Red Command, come in!" Sarge called urgently. "This is Blood Gulch Outpost No. 1. Do you read me?"

"Hello, hello, who's there?" came a familiar voice on the other end. "Come in. Is that you, Private Tucker? Hello."

Tucker frowned. Why was Vic calling him at this time?

"Private who?" Sarge asked puzzled. "No, Vic, this is Sarge from Blood Gulch Outpost No. 1."

Tucker's eyes widened in shock. That couldn't be right; Vic was working for the Blues, wasn't he?

"Oh hey there, Sarge, long time no see," Vic replied cheerfully. "Sorry 'bout that, I uh... Anyway, what can we do here for you at Red Command today?"

'Red _Command?!_ ' Tucker thought in horror.

"I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic," Sarge explained. "I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!"

"Can do, Sarge," Vic replied. "I will send an airstrike to target the Blue forces now. 'Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form."

"But I cant!" Sarge cried. "I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Simmons 2.0."

At that moment, Simmons suddenly started shaking as his body made strange beeping tones. "Whoa! Excuse me," he coughed. "Man, it must have been something I ate."

Grif just stared in confusion. "Simmons, why is there paper coming out of your ass?"

It was at this point that Tucker couldn't keep silent any longer. "What the hell, Vic?" he yelled over his radio. "How do you know the Red Team? Why're you helping them against the Blues? What the fuck is going on here?!"

"Oh... Private Tucker, you're on here too," Vic muttered awkwardly. "Um... See, I, uh... You guys are, uh... Uh, I gotta go, bad connection."

"Wait, Vic!" Sarge yelled as the radio went dead. "Red Command! Come in, I need ya!"

* * *

Vic let out a sigh of relief at that close call. "Well, that's not gonna be very good for business."

* * *

With a sigh, Sarge switched off his radio and turned to his soldiers. "Simmons, Grif... we're outta luck." Then he drew out his trusty shotgun. "Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!"

"Wait!" Grif cried. "I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?"

"Yeah," Simmons agreed. "Let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting."

"No! It has to be today. For our ancestors!" With that, Sarge charged into the canyon, screaming at the top of his lungs. "YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

At the same time, Tucker ran to the top of his hill, waving his arms in desperation. "Wait everyone, stop fighting! It's all a lie! Red is Blue, Blue is Red! We're all the same!"

Unfortunately, Sarge's yells drowned out Tucker's shouting, and pandemonium erupted in the canyon.

"Tucker, your radio's giving too much feedback!" Church shouted as he appeared behind the Reds. "Shut it off!"

Then Caboose ran into the canyon too, yelling and firing his pistol in every direction. "This is fun!"

"Quiet, Sarge," Simmons called. "I can't hear what that guy's yelling!"

"Lock and load," Sheila announced.

"I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!" Sarge bellowed, firing his shotgun into the air. "I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!"

"Stop fighting!" Tucker shouted. "Stop fighting!"

"Why did you say, Blue?" Simmons demanded.

Quickly, Church jumped into Robot No. 2's body, took it over and then ran towards his team.

In the midst of the chaos, nobody noticed Doc driving towards them on a strange vehicle... until it was too late.

"I said there's no Red vs. Blue! It's all a-WAAAAAAAAAARGH!" A rocket struck Tucker in the back with full force, sending the Blue flying. "SON OF A BITCH!"

"What the hell is that?" Sarge gasped in shock.

"What the hell is that?" Church cried in alarm.

"¿Mira que cosa?" Lopez shouted.

"Oh my God," Donut gasped, pointing at Doc in terror. "It's the Cave Devil!  _Run for your lives!_ "

Doc fired another rocket from the vehicle which hit the side of the Blues' hill, sending Donut, Caboose, Lopez and Zanzibar in a panicked retreat. Church and Sarge ran after the respective teammates.

"Oops!" Doc called out. "Sorry about that big explosion!"

" **Sorry it wasn't bigger** **!** " came an evil voice with a nasty laugh.

"Wait a second," Church gasped, screeching to a halt. "I'd know that laugh anywhere. That's O'Malley!"

As Doc flew past him on the vehicle, he fired another rocket at the Reds, scattering them. "My bad!"

Church ran over to Zanzibar. "Come on, robot, you're with me."

Lopez ran over to his tank sweetheart and pointed to the retreating Blues. "¡Sheila, alto los!"

"My pleasure," Sheila replied, firing her cannon.

Meanwhile, Sarge and Grif ducked down behind a boulder as Doc/O'Malley fired another rocket at the Robot Army, driving Lopez away from Sheila.

"Grif, we're going to die," Sarge muttered grimly. "I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield."

"Yeeeah," Grif deadpanned. "I hope you die first too, Sarge."

On the other side of the canyon, Church and Zanzibar reached the Blues' hill where they found Tucker struggling in vain to get up, his armor red with blood.

"Tucker!" Church cried, kneeling beside his teammate. "Tucker, are you okay?"

"Church," Tucker gasped, falling back to the ground. "The purple guy... He's..."

"Yeah, I know, it's O'Malley," Church replied grimly. "He must have got in the medic somehow."

"No," Tucker groaned, shaking his head weakly. "He's an asshole..." With that, he closed his eyes and was still.

As Caboose joined them, Church quickly put his hand to Tucker's neck and was relieved to still feel a pulse. It was faint, but at least Tucker was still alive.

"Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles and I don't?" Caboose asked.

While the two teams were distracted, Doc/O'Malley swooped down, grabbed Lopez and then took off again.

"Lopez, no!" Sheila gasped. Desperately, she drove over to the Blues. "Help! He took Lopez!"

"What?" Church gasped, jumping to his feet. "Where'd he go?" 

Just then, O'Malley's evil laughter rang out behind them. " **Here I am, you fool!** "

Church, Caboose, Zanzibar, Sheila and the Reds all turned towards the Red Base... where they saw the possessed medic standing on the base's roof, holding Lopez at gunpoint.

"How'd he get up there so quick?" Church gasped.

"That guy's wicked fast!" Donut cried.

"Thanks," Doc called out. "I lettered in track in high school. It was the least directly competitive sport I could find."

"Track sucks!" Grif shouted.

" _ **You**_ **suck!** " O'Malley retorted. " **And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!** "

Grif and Simmons swapped nervous and yet somewhat puzzled looks.

O'Malley raised one fist in triumph. " **The universe will be mine! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!** "

"Lopez! Noooo!" Sheila yelled in dismay.

" **Move it, brown bot! Into the abyss!** " O'Malley shoved Lopez into the Reds' teleporter and then jumped in after him, his sinister laughter echoing around the canyon long after he had vanished.

"Everyone hold your fire!" Church called out. "We're comin' out. Truce!"

"Time out!" Caboose added as he and Zanzibar followed Church in joining up with the baffled Reds.

"Would someone explain what just happened here?" Grif demanded.

"That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez," Church explained.

"But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you," Sarge cried. "We have to get him back."

"Yeah, and we have to get the evil guy back," Church agreed. "He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker."

"So now we're forced to work together," Grif muttered. "How ironic."

"No, that's not ironic," Simmons argued. "Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other."

"No," Donut chipped in. "Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped  _him._ "

"I think it would be ironic," Sarge then stated, "if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds."

Church visor-palmed while Caboose made his argument. "I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron."

* * *

_Two hours later..._

"Okay," Church said slowly so that everyone who was now gathered on the Red Base roof would understand. "We all agree, that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?"

"Yes," Sarge replied.

Grif and Donut nodded in agreement. Caboose also nodded, but only because the others did.

"And I just finished reprogramming our teleporter to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates," Simmons called, coming up behind Sarge.

"We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon," Sarge decided. "Our man will be Donut."

"We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!" Caboose declared.

"Caboose..." Church warned.

Caboose sighed and bowed his head. "We will leave Sheila."

"Yeah, thanks, guys," Donut muttered sarcastically. "Because, you know, if this  _is_ a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own."

"Alright," Church said. "We're gonna do this one at a time then. You first, Sarge."

Sarge stepped forward and cocked his shotgun. "Today seems like a good day to teleport. Geronimo!" With that, he charged right into the teleporter.

"Piscataway!" Caboose shouted, running in after Sarge.

Simmons then went up to the doorway, but paused. "Hmmm..."

"What's wrong?" Grif asked.

"I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Oh, I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird." So saying, Simmons ran into the teleporter.

"Alright, it's Grif, right?" Church said. "You and me will go through together, ready?"

"After you," Grif replied.

With a nod, Church jumped into the teleporter and Grif ran in right after him.

Alone in the canyon, Donut frowned and rubbed his chin. "Huh. I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage when I was in the cave..." He thought a bit longer then he shrugged. "Ah well."

He looked over at Zanzibar, but the robot didn't seem much for conversation. He then turned to Sheila who was waiting by the Base's door. "Uh... hi!"

"Stop staring at my treads, buddy," Sheila snapped.

"Geez, sorry," Donut muttered.

As he turned away and started whistling to himself, Zanzibar suddenly shook and then turned around. "Alright, you sons of bitches, I'm back, and I've got some-"

Tex paused and looked around in confusion. "Hey, where'd everybody go?" She then saw Donut facing the other direction. "Do I know you?"

As Donut whirled round in shock, Tex's eyes narrowed. "Hey! You're the girl who killed me."

At that moment, Donut suddenly found himself between a rock and a hard place, where the rock was armed with an assault rifle and the hard place had a massive cannon. "Uh oh."

* * *

"Prepare to surrender, dirtbag!" Sarge yelled as he appeared in the middle of a stream.

"Okay, I surrender," Caboose cried, popping up behind him. "Now it's your turn."

"Not you, moron! Wait a minute..." Sarge looked around, finding themselves in a canyon much smaller than Blood Gulch. "Where are we?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Simmons emerged from the teleporter, only to find himself in the middle of a massive complex, its hallways dotted with similar teleporters.

"Guys? Oh guys!" Simmons called out, but nobody replied. "Where is everybody?"

* * *

At the same time, Church and Grif appeared on the edge of a snowy cliff.

"Alright, now let's just find-" Church paused and looked around in confusion. "Where is everybody?"

"Whoa," Grif gasped, staring at the view by the cliff. "Where are we? What is this place?"

Church turned around and took in the sights. The cliff they were on overlooked a vast wintry chasm. On the right, the canyon turned into a frosty forest and on the left, a largish base squatted in the icy rocks like a frozen limpet. It was then Church realized where he was: he and Grif had arrived on the ice planet of Sidewinder!

"Freeze!" came a deep voice behind them. "Drop your weapon!"

Church and Grif whirled around and saw a soldier in tan armor pointing his gun at them. "Uh oh," Church gulped.

"I said freeze, dirtbag!" the soldier ordered.

 _Beep, boop!_ "Eep!" Without warning, Church raised his arm and punched Grif right in the face.

"OW! Oh come on!" Grif yelled as he fell to the floor unconscious.

Before Church could comprehend what had just happened, the tan soldier raised his rifle butt and CRACK! Everything went black... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always fun when a story ends on a cliffhanger, isn't it? And with that, this story comes to a close. Stay tuned for Part 3, coming very soon!
> 
> Translations:
> 
> *What are the Reds doing here? We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.
> 
> *Lopez the Heave takes orders from your kind no more.
> 
> *A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!
> 
> *Don't move, traitor!
> 
> *Sheila, stop them!

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:
> 
> *Not entirely turned off, moron.


End file.
